LET'S STREAM SAKURA SANTA - Merry XXXmas Talking Time.

Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Let's Stream Sakura Santa!

Sakura Santa is a visual novel, first released on Steam on December 21st 2015, just in time for Christmas! So in the spirit of rushing things out for the holidays, I recorded a full playthrough of it on the 22nd, to be posted on the 23rd! Such is my dedication to providing quality entertainment!

Sakura Santa carries on the proud tradition of it's predecessors Sakura Spirit, Sakura Angles, Sakura Fantasy Chapter 1, Sakura Clicker, Sakura Beach, Sakura Swim Club & Sakura Beach 2 by making a clear argument that games have finally reached the vaunted status of "Art". Well done developer Winged Cloud! You've come a long way since July 2014! We expect great things from Sakura Dungeon and Sakura Fantasy Chapter 2! Truly, you are the one company that has saved video games.

Also in case you can't tell, the title graphic up there I took from the offical steam store page depicts animu Santa Clause holding a candy cane with her boobs.

Tell me again how visual novels are actually good you guys.

I fucking dare you.

YOUTUBE PLAYLIST

SAKURA SANTA 01

HOLIDAY HOPELESSNESS
AKA: WOE IS ME I AM SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS ALONE & SAD WITH NO FOXGIRLS OR BUNNYGIRLS OR SANTAGIRLS IN SIGHT.
GUEST COMMENTARY
Caliscurb - Daikaiju - FanboyMaster - MarsDragon - IRLBRO

Caliscrub: Does your hat say "Nice"?
BEAT: Oh yeah! And if I flip it around it says "naughty!"
MarsDragon: I feel like you should flip it around.
FanboyMaster: Because seriously, think about the choices in your life that lead to this being real.

After briefly discussing my festive apparel the holiday tradition of gift-giving, airing grievances at the Festivus Pole, we dive headfirst into the amazing interactive storytelling experience that is Sakura Santa!

We open on the extremely expensive-looking apartment of Koji, who's dreading the fact that he will soon be spending his first holiday all alone. He calls his brother in the hopes of a kind shoulder to cry on, but is immediately alienated by how far he and his sibling have grown apart! I mean, his brother isn't even a lonely single sad sack anymore! The guy even has a girlfriend! Koji ends the call as quickly as he can, privately burning with enough jealousy and rage to write at least 3 R9k posts.

Desperate to get out of the house, Koji hits the streets of "The Town" which is very Japanese and not American at all. In text that I'm all too happy to skip, he ruminates on how disgustingly commercialized Christmas has become. Nothing but corporate greed as far as the eye can see! Having had enough of the merciless machine of capitalism, Koji seeks the true religious meaning of Christmas at a local Christian Church Shintoist Shrine.

MarsDragon: No it looks deserted, I think everybody just went home for the holidays.
BEAT: Turns out Jesus Christ isn't a really big figure in Shintoism.

Koji, in a moment of sublime irony makes a vaguely religious wish for a friend to spend a different religion's holiday with. Almost immediately, he's greeted by a kindly old priest who immediately demonstrates his willingness to listen to and advise the youngster on any topic imaginable! The call immediately begins to hope that this old fellow is the friend Koji Asked for, and that the remainder of the game will consist of him growing closer to an elderly religious leader, listening in awe to his vast store of knowledge from a long life of incredible experience! Sadly these hopes are dashed to bits, when Koji randomly stumbles into a fox girl in the bushes.

No seriously. And then he crashes into a "childhood friend" on the way home. She's a Playboy Bunny now because of course she fucking is. Wow what a coincidence! I bet we won't run into any more improbable scantily clad girls today!

OH HELLO SANTA GIRL. I'M SORRY I MEAN SANTA GIRL'S G-STRING CLAD ASS SINCE THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TALKING TO FOR THE WHOLE OF OUR CONVERSATION. YES OF COURSE I BUY THAT YOU ARE CRAWLING AROUND ON THE GROUND LOOKING FOR YOUR "WAND" AND THAT THIS SERIES OF EVENTS IS BOTH COMPLETELY INNOCENT AND JUSTIFIED BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

BEAT: Yeah so she killed Tim Allen. Ripped Tim Allen's head off, put it on a pike.
FanboyMaster: I really apprecaite the concept, of like, a beloved holiday film being about the idea that if you murder Santa you become Santa.

Beat, you still have yet to convince me that you're not a masochist for playing these things that you clearly don't enjoy.

SAKURA SANTA 02

CRUSHING CHRISTMAS
AKA: I WILL PAY YOU FOR YOUR LABOR IN LETTING YOU LOOK AT NAKED PEOPLE ALSO WE'RE AT THE NORTH POLE NOW FOR REASONS.
Caliscurb - Dikaiju - FanboyMaster - MarsDragon - IRLBRO

Operating under the logic that Koji is probably not enough of a tool to hit on waitresses that only pretend to be interested in him, we elect to send him back to the cafe where his "childhood friend" works. Our optimism is immediately crushed when, instead of getting lunch, Koji goes directly to the manager and offers to work for free as long as he gets to watch Childhood Friend change. In brazen defiance of basic human decency, the manager does not immediately call the cops.

BEAT: The plot so far is our childhood friend, and let's just put that in scare quotes, is a bunny girl that everybody wants to stare at and leer at and that's why she works at a place where it's her job to get leered at, and also we're gonna leer at her because we know her and that makes it not awkward.
IRLBRO: Then you're in the clear, because then you're leering at her as a friend.
Dikaiju: If the logic was any more circular it would be a freaking globe.

The next day, Koji decides to be proactive and spend the entire day sitting alone in his house, quietly weeping and eating entire boxes of oreos. Tragically, his plans are immediately thwarted, by the sudden arrival of Santa Girl, who enthusiastically greets him by smashing her chest into his face. Surprisingly this receives no fullscreen graphic, as they only had enough in the budget for one of those each day, and they had to save it for the end of the day, where Koji falls on top of her and also she's all tangled up in Christmas lights for some reason.

This is, of course after she accidentally teleported them from the North Pole to a sex shop.

Oh yeah we visited the North Pole. That happened. Dismayed with the terrible turns Koji's life has taken, I vanish from the stream to grab another drink while the Skype Crew bemoans the sins we have wrought.

FanboyMaster: This feels like a really unlikely Christmas Scenario. I'm not sure I can accept the unlikeliness.
BEAT: You're right, it's actually a Hanukkah scenario. See, there were only enough anime titties for one night, but somehow the anime titties lasted for 8 full games!

My Christmas Present to Talking Time.

I show love

THROUGH HATRED.

BEAT's GOTY 2015

Okay, that naked shot at the cafe was just the MC changing clothes? I thought you just ran up on some girl that got tied up and got her clothes stolen! This genre, man...

SAKURA SANTA 03

YULETIME YELLING
AKA: HEY MY ACTUAL WIFE IRL COULD YOU PLEASE COMMENT ON THE MADNESS BEFORE YOU OKAY I LOVE YOU TOO BABE.
Caliscurb - Dikaiju - FanboyMaster - MarsDragon - IRLBRO - GIRL

After bemoaning the fact that Santa Somehow managed to leave her clothes behind on her last teleport, Koji decides to go to the cafe again to hang out with his "childhood friend" some more. But what's this? Now his childhood friend is a Santa too?! How can this be!? Desperate for answers, I attempt to actually read the exceedingly well written text of this visual novel, in the hopes of gaining keen insight as to what's going on!

BEAT: "Whatever was in those cups they've formed sticky, Surupy strands-" I can't fucking do this we're done we out we out we out we out. we out we out we out we out- wait one second.
*BEAT LEAVES, THEN RETURNS WITH HIS WIFE, WHO REGARDS THE HORRORS ON DISPLAY CRITICALLY WHILE THE SKYPE CALL FLIPS IT'S SHIT.*
BEAT: Good news guys, I'm still married!
FanboyMaster: How is that even possible at this point?!

Koji hangs out with childhood friend for the rest of the day. Sick of being haunted by that particular ghost of the past, he decides to spend the next day doing Jack shit! And once again his plans of doing nothing are interrupted by Santa who drags him out for a day on the town. During this day out, she mashes a giant candy cane her magic Christmas wand between her boobs. I'm certain that there were completely practical and necessary reasons for this to occur. I'm absolutely positive of this.

BEAT "I feel a bit guilty now." YOU DON'T SAY DO YOU YOU FUCK.
Caliscrub: I thought you were saying that you felt guilty.
BEAT I feel guilty! I feel guilty as hell! I'm upset that this is on my computer screen!

The next morning, weary of our constant run-ins with adult situations, we decide to take a break from not going into work by... not going into work. Somehow this summons childhood friend to our house, where she changes into her old high school swimsuit in front of us because why the fuck not at this point. Fortunately for us viewers, Koji totally fucks up the mood, and childhood friend flees into the night without properly confessing her feelings.

Thank God.

THIS AIN'T NO HOTLINE 2.
Nah man, the MC is some sad sack loser that for some reason has to deal with a trio of girls changing in front of him all the time.

That was CHILDHOOD FRIEND.

That's what I get for jumping into this the second video in. There is no logic in this place...

SAKURA SANTA 04 FINAL

MERRY MADNESS
AKA: WOW I SURE FEEL BAD ABOUT TRAMPLING ON CHILDHOOD FRIEND'S FEELINGS LAST VIDEO LET'S LEAVE HER HANGING FOREVER.
Caliscurb - Dikaiju - FanboyMaster - MarsDragon - IRLBRO

Instead of reconciling with the childhood friend that we know for a fact has feelings for us, we wait for Santa to show up again! Santa, being good and cool immediately slices her shirt in half for us. Because that's a normal thing that normal people do.

MarsDragon: Okay, I wanna say this. Where the hell are her nipples?
BEAT: Uhhh...
IRLBRO: Low, and far outside. They're like, crazy eyes nipples.

Somehow this misadventure leads to all the toys being broken! All of them! Every last Christmas toy! Christmas is ruined and it's all Koji's fault! There's only one day left before Christmas Eve, and Koji is faced with a terrible choice! He can either spend ALL DAY making things right with Childhood Friend, or he can return to the north pole and help Santa re-make all those trucks and dolls and trains and Xbox Ones and PS4s for all the good little boys and girls! He holds in his hands the happiness of a girl that kinda likes him for god only knows what reason, and the happiness of every girl and boy on earth! Which should he choose?!

Well obviously we gotta save Christmas. I mean who even is "childhood friend" Some jerk from middle school who cares.

So Koji goes to Santa and is like "Yo you should like ask your dad THE REAL SANTA CLAUSE for help". And Santa's all like "Gee I dunno I don't wanna bother my dad who is THE REAL SANTA CLAUSE but I guess I should" and Koji's like "Yeah totally" and she's like "Okay" and that's it.

No seriously. THE REAL SANTA CLAUSE fixes everything, but we never see him do it because he's secretive like that. Probably for the best, because if I were THE REAL SANTA CLAUSE I'd waste no time in kicking the ass of that jerk who keeps leering at my daughter. Christmas is saved and the game just ends.

RIP in Peace, Christmas.

IRLBRO: She's gonna be like "thanks for helping me through this time of need, but I really think we're better off as friends. I feel confused around you, Koji. Kojima. Hideo Kojima.
BEAT: Turns out Metal Gear Solid 5 was a Christmas Miracle.

I just want to say that at first glance, I honestly thought the title image of this thread showed "Santa"* cinching up her really cutesy-looking shoulders. Then I realized, Oh wait, she's just handling a candy cane in a very... unique way.

Also, these girls are so clumsy, I'm left to wonder: do any of them have inner ears?

* Yeah, I don't think the bishop of Myra in Lycea would approve. Also, since it came up, Orthodox bishops can't be married. Priests can, but not bishops.

You know what (else) bugs me about that candy cane "situation" - the color of the candy cane. It just looks so weird and not at all like any real candy canes.

Maybe it's one of those weird fruit-flavored ones. Grapefruit, maybe.

That sounds even worse.

On the one hand the strict formulas / banal writing / easy-to-produce art make it fairly easy to crank out followups to their formula

On the other, I'm amazed at how many of these they push out

I already said as much during the stream but this was really slapdash even for them. I've seen Dodger do a couple Sakura games on her channel and this makes those look a lot better by comparision.

EPILOGUE BONUS POST!
HAY BEAT YOU GONNA WRITE ABOUT SEXXXY AGAIN?
I thought about it, but honestly the stuff I said about Sakura Spirit lines up with this game so perfectly that the result would be a point-for-point retread of my earlier writeup. Nothing in Sakura Santa fell even an inch outside of the expectations Sakura Spirit set up for it. The biggest surprise in the whole thing was the fact that you sort of picked which almost-porn images you looked at instead of just looking at almost all of them. It almost feels lazier! Like this way they could just write 3 separate series of contrived excuses to leer at women instead of having to work loads of excuses into a single plotline.

The single most impressive thing about the Sakura series is just how incredibly creatively bankrupt it is. And that's doubly impressive when you consider just how big it is.

THERE ARE HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS?
Well let's just count them in the prolouge post way up at the top of the page! Lessee here... 1, 2, 3... plus the one we just played... There are 9 fucking "Sakura [BLANK]" games as of this writing. And two more are in development. And of those 9 games, 8 of them were released in 2015.

I want you all to think back on Scott Cawthorn of Five Nights At Freddy's. The dude had loads of morons on the internet whining that he was releasing games "too quickly" when he famously released half as many games twice as long. I told any such moron I encountered in those heady days that they were a moron, because the length of time between FNAF game releases is completely irrelevant. And I was right to! Because the FNAF games are all unique, interesting, creative productions that rightfully captured people's attention and imagination! The short dev times weren't a warning sign of a phoned-in product, they were just evidence of how incredibly hardworking and efficient the developer really was.

So I can't help but wonder why those morons aren't getting on developer Winged Cloud's case. Because unlike the curious case of Mr. Cawthorn, the Sakura games are absolutely a desperate, phoned-in cash grab. And as Daikaiju said, they're actually getting worse, their work getting more and more slapdash as they try to ride just-barely-not-porn wave for as long as it will possibly take them before it inevitably crashes and burns.

I can't help but wonder how much longer they'll keep it up before it finally falls apart.

What a time to be alive.

CREDITS:
THE FOUNDER OF THE FEAST:
Daikaiju: Bought me this game the day it was released, allowing this Christmas Miracle to occur! Thanks a lot dude! Hope you had a great time on the stream! Sorry bout how I responded to the gift notification with a string of profanity and death threats. That one's on me.

SKYPE & IRL BROS:
FanboyMaster: "If you murder Santa, you become Santa!"
MarsDragon: "Where the hell are her nipples"
Caliscurb: Thought we were gonna do another recording session of our weirdly ridiculously ambitious acting project. Oh he was wrong.
IRLBRO: His first proper BEATSTREAM starring role! And what a fine job he did!
GIRL: I'm still married? I'm still married! I showed my wife a bad anime titty game I was playing for the internet where everyone can see it, and I'm still married!

NON-SKYPE BROS:
Madmachine: Spending loads of times on things I FUCKING HATE doesn't make me a masochist dude. Bruh. I mean seriously.
Breakman: This ain't Fucking Hotline 2 man. Come on.
That Old Chestnut: There never was any logic in this place.
Alex Scott: Got the anatomy wrong, but can we really blame him?
Torzelbaum: No, see, it's her wand.
Kalir: No It's not any flavor I just said it's her wand. Oh my god.
MuteKi: Quantity? Over quality? Why I never.
Swaps4: The guy behind Haruhichan dot com (which I will not have in my work browser history) and I follow eachother on twitter and he was tweeting about how he wanted to stream this one but wouldn't because it was hella NSFW so I tweeted my playlist at him and he was like NO WAY HAHA and I was like YA WTF HAHA. That was fun. Fun is important.

AND FINALLY...
YOU: I made a conscious choice to not do another FUCK THIS VN stream for awhile after Sakura Spirit because I didn't want to lose the humor to my hatred. Hopefully I succeeded, and you enjoyed this quick glance into the Christmas Anime Titty abyss. I'm overjoyed by every youtube view and response these things get, and I sincerely hope you got a few laughs out of me laughing/screaming with friends and family for 40 minutes.

Merry Christmas Talking Time, and Happy New Year!

This was... uh, a thing.

Seriously, how are there nine of these things?

Living the dream.

I gifted BEAT a copy of Mega Coin Squad to make up for it, haha.

As for why no one's on the case of the Sakura *Insert Soul Draining Premise Here* games' dev?

The Sakura games aren't nearly as famous. It's as simple as that.

She so great dude. You don't even know.
I already beat it! It was great fun! A+ game!

Thank you very much!
Yeaaaaaah. Yeah.

And really, that's a good thing.

Fuck these anime titty trash games.

I *still* can't unsee the shoulders.

I don't know. "Sakura Suicide School" could have real potential.

I'd like to see Sakura Suicide Squad. Animeized Jerrod Leto Joker would be a treat, I'm sure.

BEAT, have you considered playing Katawa Shoujo? It's the only VN I've played, and after seeing all of this stuff I'm kind of glad. It's got actual good writing. Or, at the very least, much better than the dreck you've been playing.

I believe you may be operating under the misconception that BEAT would play these games with the hope of deriving actual enjoyment from them.

It was more an appeal to sanity, a hope that maybe one day he would not torture himself.

FUCK YOU

honest question: why that reaction? Have you been bugged about the game a lot or something?