Oh no -- Pitch! Let's Play The Legend of Kyrandia Book 1!

LP Part Index
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part SEKRIT BONUS
LP Complete

Okay, let's establish the ground rules here. I'm going to aim to update this roughly 3 to 4 times a week, more if I can manage. Other than the first part, most are going to be quite a bit bigger, covering up to major events when possible (so while the intro's about 17 shots, later ones will probably be at least twice that).

I also intend to keep the snark factor nice and high, because hey, it fits with Kyrandia. I'm open to requests on what to have Brandon do, though the game is overall pretty linear. Most of said requests would have to be for stuff like getting killed, doing obviously stupid things, etc. That said, let's get started!


Introduction: Living on a Cliche

Back in 1993, the adventure game was king of the PC. Of course, nobody was surprised by that at the time, as the first PC game to really set PCs apart from the then-emerging arcade game scene was the text adventure Zork, so it just made sense to keep going with the theme. That was back around, oh, 1979 or so. By 1993, we were in what you might call the Golden Age of adventure games, when timeless classics like King's Quest V and Space Quest IV were coming out, as well as the ever-memorable Sam & Max Hit the Road.

Well, any time something gets popular, everybody wants in on it. And that included a little-known developer called Westwood Studios, who came up with what was basically their answer to King's Quest V: a point-and-click medieval-style adventure game with a grand scope and a plotline that is more than a bit familiar to anybody who's read any fantasy novel ever. That game was...



So what set Legend of Kyrandia apart from the normal faire? Actually, not much. Its most noteworthy trait was that the largely unlikeable main character was quite sarcastic, and had a habit of getting into highly comedic situations from being a total douchebag, being a blithering idiot, or just generally thinking he was better at things than he really was. I guess it kinda hit a bit too close to home with the target audience (ie. PC gamers who figured they could win any adventure game no matter how obtuse it was), because almost nobody remembers the game. Which is a pity, as it's actually a pretty good adventure game with some nice humor, even if you do seem to die every time you do anything besides what the developers wanted you to do.



I have the CD version, so I can't show you the intro text, but I can sum up what the setup is: 18 years ago, an evil jester (I know, just go with it) called Malcolm was imprisoned in stone by the wizards of Kyrandia to protect Kyrandia from his magical misdeeds. Well, after he killed the king and queen; way to act in a timely fashion, wizards. But the spell was broken somehow (jee, this sounds familiar...), and now he's doing his best to turn Kyrandia into a wasteland while totally aping on the Joker's style. He also took control of the Kyragem, the source of the land's magic. That's probably a bad thing.



Enter Kallak, an old man who might be able to set things in motion to stop Malcolm. But unfortunately, Malcolm shows up with other ideas in mind, and poor Kallak... well, you'll see in a minute.



Now we meet our "hero", Brandon. He's really more of a whiny little self-centered brat than a hero, but whatever.



And here's the house. Kallak, as you can see, is between a rock and a hard place. Or maybe he's just a rock. Anyway, he's got lots of stuff, so I went ahead and nabbed everything in sight before I tried to leave.



Oh jeez, the wall's talking.



Turns out that Treebeard here speaks for the land, which is sick of all the industrial waste we keep pouring into it and is appealing for help. No wait, that's not right.



What's really going on here is that Malcolm is doing his best Jack Nicholson impersonation on the forests, torching and poisoning stuff. You know, like in the intro. Brandon naturally wants to know why the land can't solve its own damned problems.



Yes, because clearly stuff like earthquakes and tornados don't count. Yep, land's totally innocent. Mmhmm.



Doesn't miss a beat, does he? It's a fair question, really. I mean, if my back wall started talking to me, I'd be pretty interested in finding out why too. Though I think Brandon should probably check into rehab after this little conversation is over, just to be safe.



Skillfully dodging the whole Malcolm issue, Old Treebeard gives us some extra exposition: it seems that the real cause of the suffering is that big-arse gemstone somewhere getting corrupted somehow. I guess the burning down forests and poisoning everything in sight by Malcolm are unimportant, then? The plot's a little bit disjointed, if you didn't guess. So which is it: the corruption of magic or the rampant deforestation by Malcolm that's the problem?



Good choice, plantface. I mean, he's only totally inexperienced and annoying and likely to get himself killed trying to cross a bridge. Sure, you could go call on those wizards that the kingdom employs, but that'd be too easy. Nope, Kyrandia's best hope is this kid. (Kyrandia is SO boned...)



I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AS WELL.



Thank you for that non-answer. That totally clears things up. Totally.



At least he knows he's worthless.

What is this guy, a fortune cookie? At least tell me where to go, dirtbreath!



I don't think he's listening, Brandon.

Well, that puts us in a right pickle, doesn't it? And it's up to Brandon to solve all our problems! Let's just hope he doesn't do too many stupid things on the way. Like, you know, insult Malcolm, or try to solve puzzles with his eyes closed, or something stupid like that. I think we can count on him to be mature and solve Kyrandia's problems like a responsible adult.

...Gwahahahahaha! Yeah right. Come back next time to see just how bungling our game's lead really is.

*sigh*

I love me some Adventure games! And this is one I've never heard of!

Consequently, I now love me some Sky Render!

Sing it!

Yeah, seems I kinda bypassed a few forum policies here. I apologize again, and wish to point out that it wasn't my intent to do so. Still, the LP must go on! Assuming you let me, of course.

Chaos! Highwaymen and queue-jumpers roam the LP subforum and do as they please!
The broken husks of dreams and hope litter the streets as fires rage on!


Now that you've started, I don't think there's any reason to stop. I haven't read it yet, but I think I'll be following this LP.

But be on your guard, new guy! Repeat offenders have to debate Brickroad on helmet laws.

Sure, keep going. You didn't know, so just take it as a warning for next time.

Duly noted. I shall keep Wikipedia on link in case I forget. Transgressions aside, at least we all get some snarky comedy out of it, right?

I love (hate?) this game because I played it as a kid, but I never finished that fucking cave. I was always eaten by a grue, and I eventually decided that I didn't care enough to get some graph paper and map the damn thing out.

Way to go, Westwood Studios!

Yeah, the Fireberry Cavern gave me nightmares too, back then... Funny how drawing a map never seems to occur to you when you're 12 years old, huh? Seems so obvious now, but...

Since the intro was so short, let's just jump right into part 1, shall we?

Part 1 - Amulet? What Amulet?

The story so far: an evil clown who likes destroying forests for no discernable reason has broken free from his 18-year imprisonment, turned some guy to stone, and now it's up to a twenty-something in ugly clothes to save Kyrandia. How will he do this? I'm afraid we have no idea, as the game's first expositor, the back wall of Brandon's house, forgot to tell us where to go and instead decided to try his hand at being a fortune teller. So we'll just have to take a look at some of the stuff Brandon has. First up, the apple!



...Aaaand we get our first instance of Brandon's inherent stupidity. Let's try the saw.



Teehee.



The letter is a bit more helpful, telling us that we should be looking for somebody named Brynn. Brandon helpfully mentions that she's at the temple, too. Well, that's a start! Let's get out of this hut.



Brandon's house is only accessible from an enchanted tree branch that moves up and down when he steps on it. That's, like, the coolest tree fort ever. Screw ladders, he gets a living elevator.



Thank you, Captain Obvious. That's a hell of a dent, too. Almost looks like a teardrop. GEE I WONDER IF THAT IS A CLUE.



That is one dinky temple. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. Let's see if anybody is home.



Yay, it's Brynn! Just who we wanted to see! Please, Brynn, explain to us what's going on here!



Lots of mostly boring exposition ensues. Hooray! The letter above sums things up pretty well, actually. Malcolm is free, and now Brandon's the only one who can stop him, probably because all the wizards kinda need the Kyragem to be at full effectiveness. I mean, it is the source of magic in Kyrandia. Bright move, by the way, not keeping watch on Malcolm and maybe even, I don't know, making sure he can't reach the Kyragem?



So apparently we need a lavender rose to continue. I SMELL FETCH QUESTS! Back to the forest, then...





Yeah, get used to this. Brandon complains. A lot. At least he's usually somewhat funny when he does. He also doesn't pay very close attention to what people tell him. I think he might have ADD.



That's one specially concentrated rainstorm. Actually, it's "raining" tears. Now where did we see a teardrop shape? Hmm, I just can't quite recall... Must've been somewhere... Oh well, we'll just grab a tear and come back later.




I'm pretty sure that's not normal botanical behavior.

A cavernous entrance, huh? I doubt roses grow here, but let's take a peek anyway.






Meet Herman, the most inept bridge guard ever. He's gone and let the bridge fall apart, and now there's just a thin rope to the other side. MAYBE WE SHOULD CROSS HUR HUR.





Herman tries to stop him, but Brandon (as we've covered) is a ball of ego. Let's see how that agility of his works out for him.





Yeah, I bet you saw that coming. Gotta love how Herman doesn't care that one of his friends just died, only that now he's gonna have to actually do his job. Well nerts, let's keep going. Power of Load Game, activate!



Hello, what's this? I think I spy a lavender rose! Quite a few of them, as it so happens!



Hehe, the prick got pricked.

Well, we have our rose, so let's hurry back to Brynn and totally ignore everything we see on the way. I'm sure we're not forgetting anything. Yep, not a thing at all.

Here's your rose, now give me exposition! Also, I almost didn't notice that plot point slamming into me there like a freight train. Inept foreshadowing? Very yes.





Hooray, more dialogue! This pretty much sets our goals for the rest of this part of the game.



Oh Brandon, you inattentive cad.



Oh yeah, that tree. Hm. Let's see. Tear-shaped hole. Tear-shaped drop. Hmmm... ... ... Nope, can't figure it out!



I'm lying through my teeth, obviously. This is probably the easiest puzzle in the entire game, if you can even call it a puzzle.




This bratrat showed up out of nowhere after I healed the tree. He has a funny marble. And that altar was missing a marble. I don't think it takes a lot of thought to realize that we need what he has.





As if anything can be easy, right? Great, chasing kids now...

Merith likes taunting Brandon almost as much as I do.





Brandon totally pulled a "I'll catch you, PSYCHE!" on him. What a douchebag. Still, marble get!



So, let's place the marble and get this show on the road!




Woo! Wonder what it does?



Absolutely nothing. Fantastic. Ah well, let's go pester Herman again.

So I gave Herman the saw to cut new planks. And Brandon got snarky again. What a surprise. Anyway, let's go and doubtless berate Brynn for leading us to this useless amulet.



But Brynn has jumped town! What fantastic help Brandon has to rely on. Oh well, let's go bug Herman until he finishes that bridge. Not like there's anything else to do around here.






*Badum-pum-TISH!* Still, bridge is fixed.






Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Brandon and Herman! One is an idiot, the other's just mean! These guys are going places, I'm tellin' ya.

Well, that about wraps it up for part 1. Next time, we cross the bridge and visit the enigmatic Darm. Will there be more zaniness? Does the sun rise in the east? Stay tuned for hilarity, ineptitude, bumbling, and mirth cones!

I would love to do an LP of the other games, but there's a slight problem... I don't have the third game, Malcolm's Revenge, and it is notoriously hard to find these days. Which is a pity, as I understand that it's ridiculously funny. Still, assuming this LP is popular, I'm very likely to reserve rights here at Talking Time to do a Hand of Fate LP.

For a minute I thought those were two separate and serious questions. In my defense, I've never played this game, so I don't know that Kyrandia's sun rises in the east; I thought we were going to find out.

Heh, nice. I think I was the only kid in my school who managed to get through the Fireberry Cavern. Dig this game, but not as much as part II.

Actually, Kyrandia is one of those worlds that experiences "time of day according to whatever the developers wanted". Meaning it's midday just about everywhere, a foggy evening in a few spots, and the dead of night in one area. All simultaneously. Highly entertaining, really.

How could Brandon pick up a tear?

Moreover, how could Brandon pick up a tear and have it maintain its shape?

Logic has no place in this game, as will become readily apparent during the next part. Being able to pick up a teardrop that magically morphs to bigger than his head and still tear-shaped is only a minor peculiarity compared to some of the stuff that goes down later.

This series gets so, so much better as it goes on. Malcolm's Revenge is a really incredible adventure game. Hand of Fate is above-average too. I think the first one is really just King's Quest-lite (and as mentioned, for those who love graph paper). Picks up a lot after the Fireberry Cave though, and I'm happy to see it get some play on these forums.

Yeah, I really wanted to work with Hand of Fate for an LP, but I also realized that it'd be unfair to not give the first game at least some love before doing that. Or snark. Whichever I had the most of after having to suffer through the more annoying parts of this game again. Having just finished gathering shots for the Serpent's Grotto sequence (aka. Fireberry Cavern, aka. The Cave from Hell), I think I can safely say that the snark is in far greater abundance at the moment.

If you actually drew a map for this sequence I request that if you're able to scan it you immediately do so. I'm just kind of curious how many swear words you wrote and which one the most creative one was.

The only map I ever drew for it was back around 12 or 13 years ago when I first replayed the game. And that got lost ages ago. This time I used a map from GameFAQs for reference purposes, and discovered that the author had gotten fed up with the maze and mislabeled half the rooms. That should tell you something about how nasty Serpent's Grotto really is.

As for swears I used while venturing through the dungeon (this time and in previous plays), I think most would be a violation of the TOS. They were that nasty.

Part 2 - Mirth Cones!

So last time, Brandon found his grandpa turned to stone, got sent on a fetch quest, acted like a douchebag, got a useless amulet, helped repair a bridge, and is now heading to Timbermist Woods to find some guy called Darm. Wow, can you feel the excitement? 'Cause I can't. But yeah, let's head into this new forest.



Oh how convenient, a house. Could this be where Darm lives? Also: time to drop some stuff I don't need. This game's inventory is punishingly tiny, having only 10 slots for items plus whatever you have on "hand" (ie. selected on your cursor). You have to ditch anything you aren't going to use.



Hm, dressed like a wizard, has a pet dragon, lots of books and scrolls... Nope, this guy's clearly not Darm. Let's get out of here.





Oh of course he's Darm. It even said so on the bottom of one of the earlier screenshots. And he's a bit senile. I get the feeling that the dragon is the brains of this operation.





And he's hard of hearing, too! Oh joy of joys, endless comedy options involving making fun of physical shortcomings!






So basically I'm on another fetch quest. I'd be angry, but quite frankly, adventure games would be pretty much pointless without those. He wants a quill, huh?



Well, there's a hurt bird. But I don't think I can reach it. Alternative route, then!



Lots of nuts in the forest...



Yeah, you knew that'd show up eventually.

Okay, that is a big hole. In a dead forest. And I have a bunch of seeds. But they wouldn't seriously...?



You're kidding me.



You have got to be kidding me.



THAT was what I needed to do?



Okay, so one dusting later, I have a power on my amulet now. Let's try it!



It heals you. Nifty. Hey, I wonder if it'll do anything to that bird.




Yes it did. Quill (sort of) get! Let's give it to Darm.




Yay, more crude humor!



Well, I guess we have a scroll? What next? Perhaps the dragon can tell us.

The hits just keep coming...





Well, we have a quest now.





Thanks, Darm. That was a huge help, really. Oh well, time to go gather more gemstones, because I smell FETCH QUEST again!



Nice, an emerald! But I can't get it, of course. Oh well.



Hm, an altar with 4 gemstone-shaped sockets. This might be what we need. Let's try a gemstone.



WHAT



Oh. Guess Darm wasn't kidding, and we'll have to hunt down a specific gemstone for this.