View Full Version : The Box is Always Redder on the Other Side (Old School Hack)

05-03-2011, 07:49 AM

Right now we have two games of this planned, one for Tuesday and one for Thursday!

TUESDAY, May 3 - A merchant's rival christens a new fleet of ships which transport goods with incredible efficiency.

* Balrog
* Lucas
* Nodal
* Nich

THURSDAY, May 5 - Bandits and outlaws harry the church of a nature deity in a sleepy desert town.

* Comb Stranger
* Googleshng
* kaisel
* widdershins

http://i51.tinypic.com/2b9un8.jpg http://i53.tinypic.com/2lnbghh.jpg

Comb Stranger
05-03-2011, 09:24 AM
Need a fourth for Thursday? I dropped the class I had.

05-03-2011, 09:34 AM
Sure! Only character that's taken there so far is the Goblin (Google's a goblin with a cast-iron stomach)

05-03-2011, 09:39 AM
Anything in particular that you need us to do before game day, like Skype test/Maptools tests, or anything else? I've been kind of out of the loop, since I barely touched my computer this past weekend. Really excited about this!

05-03-2011, 09:45 AM
I'll try and hit people up through whatever's available, and send out some PMs after work. I already ran into Lucas, Nodal, Nich and Googleshng on IRC to roll up characters. I really like the conversational nature of IRC (something about having a nice big window for text instead of a little one ala skype and maptool)

05-03-2011, 11:13 PM
I'm giving the MVP award to Nich for remembering the leviathan, creating conflict and making the inbred elf leader into a deiophile (http://www3.merriam-webster.com/opendictionary/newword_display_alpha.php?letter=De&last=100). And Lucas for making the big bad into a big softie and becoming the pope of the church of Zarthak. And Nodal for The Amazing Zarthak's exciting love life, setting a horse-sized raven on fire, and the SHIPTREE.

And I am just glad I got to spread the love of Old School Hack a little bit further.


05-03-2011, 11:20 PM
Dergals loves Old School Hack.

05-03-2011, 11:25 PM
You adorable little cherub!


Olli T
05-03-2011, 11:49 PM
CAPCOM, what?

05-04-2011, 12:27 AM
Oh man, reading this has me excited for Thursday's game. I can only hope we end up as entertaining.

05-04-2011, 08:26 AM
Pretty much everyone from Tuesday's game is planning to sit in tomorrow as a panel of judges so yes, you should hope you're as entertaining.

05-05-2011, 10:35 PM
Alright, that was a lot of fun overall, going from elven assassins slaughtering Google's goblin family (and pets) to Smokey the Bear and a dwarf getting into a drinking contest of blood was pretty amazing. I'll try to do a lengthier writeup either later tonight, or tomorrow, if someone doesn't beat me to it.

The game itself was fun, though I really need to force myself to be less of a spectator. I was entertained by everyone's antics though, hopefully next game I play I'll participate more. And I'd really recommend this to a group new to roleplaying, or as a sort of one-off game, I'm going to try to get my IRL group playing this in the near future, and see how it goes.

05-05-2011, 11:42 PM
Yes. "Elven assassins." Not everyone present burning awesome points like there was no tomorrow to create and summarily horribly kill them... and pit them against each other. Oh heavens no.

But yeah, that was pretty darn fun.

05-06-2011, 12:23 AM
Definitely need to be more assertive, looking back, I realize that I'm too quiet in most games I play in, so really need to work on that (and that's why I tend to run more games than I play). Also need to be a little quicker on my feet. Next time (assuming there is one) will go better, I promise!

05-06-2011, 12:29 AM
The real surprise was your goblin being related to Sissy Spacek. No, a blind, heavily armed, coal-mining Sissy Spacek echolocating via her black lung coughing isn't surprising, just the fact that she's the black sheep of the Digits O'Malley family.

05-06-2011, 05:57 AM
Phew, sorry about not posting much last night but I'm exhausted from playing pretty hard four days in a row. Comb Stranger's bulky Lumberjack was awesome considering he had hammerspace under his kilt (and caused a snake to spontaneously change gender, nature found a way), widdershins makes an incredibly convincing dwarf (after he left, I suggested that the inn he found was "The Trap", so he finally found The Trap), kaisel being a good sport about me introducing plot hooks that ended up giving him the name Bilbabalbabul was tremendous, and Google managed to name at least 50% of the NPCs, in addition to having hammerspace in his stomach.

05-06-2011, 10:52 PM
Well, I promised Nich a summary so he could catch up on the bits he missed. I'll try to do it all justice, but my memory's already starting to fail -- let's see how this goes.

For anyone who wasn't playing, this particular round of Old School Hack was very much a game of stripped down D&D crossed with mad libs. Apart from the players, Nich, Nodal and Lucas were on hand with their own cache of Awesome Points, which they could cash in to add elements to the narrative and further fuck with the players.

As it happened an elf, who's proper name I can't recall (sorry, kaisel!), but who once went by the alias Bilbabalbabul, has been on the run from a nasty group of marauders -- a group that, until recently, he had been a part of. Unfortunately for Bil, they've caught up with him, and as the story opened he had been captured along with Lumber Jack, a brawny fighter (played by Comb Stranger) and Durgen Doublestout, a rowdy dwarf (played by yours truly). The elves had stopped to ransack a goblin coal mine in the middle of the desert, something that soon hit very close to home for one Fingers O'Malley, an iron stomached goblin (played by Googleshng), who happened to be away from home when said ransacking was taking place.

The surreality was in full swing before the first die had been rolled; Jack met eyes with a friendly looking Prairie Dog who soon returned with a hoard of his blood crazed, man eating brethren. As we three prisoners attempted to escape from bondage (and avoid being eaten by angry varmints), a confused Fingers entered the mine to discover that his entire family had been killed by the merciless elves -- and they didn't even drop any purps.

Lucas took pity on the poor goblin, and informed him that there was indeed one survivor -- his favorite little sister, Toes. Not missing a beat, Nich and Nodal were quick to inform him that she was only barely alive, and that she was in fact at death's door. Not being one to accept loss without a fight, Fingers quickly regurgitated some gauze (he has a lead stomach, you see), wrapped her up from head to toe, and proceeded inwards to face her would-be killers.

She wasn't long for this world, however, and when Jack, Bil and Durgen had bested their captors and made their way into the cave, they were confronted with the sight of a now undead Toes fending off the remnants of the Prairie Dog armada, which had taken a keen interest in her. Unaware that she was an innocent (if mummified and zombified) doe eyed child, Durgen decided to rush into action against this horror from beyond the grave, as he had befriended one of the prairie dogs in his earlier scrape (and even named him "Caber"). So, he ripped some of the gauze from her body, wrapped it around a torch, and lit it ablaze.

Little did he know that the gauze was magical, and when he affixed it to his torch, it achieved sentience. It hardly had time to come to terms with its newfound self awareness, however, before it burst into flames (as it happens, an ETERNAL flame) and immediately transformed into a shrieking totem of misery. Startled by this, Durgen plunged the torch into the mummified little scamp, and in a fit of blazing rage she let out her omega attack -- the fireworks in her belly (she learned from her brother) ignited and singed everyone nearby.

Fingers was unaware of the happenings at the cave's mouth, and managed to fell what remained of his families attackers. Along the way he came across his mistress and a lost, blind, miner's lung afflicted Sissy Spacek (she uses her cough for echolocation -- don't ask). When he returned to the mine's entrance, he found his sister was once again dead, and he had a trio of very confused adventurers dealing with the aftermath. Once everyone had explained who they were and what they were doing, Bil and Fingers were able to patch Toes up once again, resulting in a barely conscious undead ball of gauze with only arms, legs, and a pink bow protruding from her now spheroid form.

Once they regrouped, the adventurers decided to proceed to... some sacred shelter place with a big 'ol holy tree. I guess it's where the rest of the evil elves were chilling.

Oh yeah... at some point a snake attached itself to Jack's junk. I, uh, don't recall how that came to be.


05-06-2011, 11:33 PM
At this point, we all felt bad that we'd left Fingers's mine a fiery wreck (and with a still-burnning, still-screaming sentient torch propped up in the corner), so Lumber Jack suggested we seek out his friend Smokey the Bear. Smokey was once a member of the local fire brigade, but had since been imprisoned after a rather unfortunate bout of crazed, murderous bloodlust. At any rate, we figured he'd know what to do about the fire an' all.

As it happened, he was imprisoned at the very same spot we'd come to learn that the rest of the villainous band of elves was hiding out. We realized that at this very location, each of us could accomplish what had become our lives' goals.

Bil wanted to free himself from his former comrades and the price they'd put on his life.
Fingers wanted to avenge his mostly dead family.
Jack wanted to cut down an enormous tree (turns out this town has one) so he could finally be accepted into the lumberjack's guild.
And Durgen...
well, Durgen wanted to best a giant in a drinking contest. Turns out Smokey is a GIANT bear.

So with little incident along the way (since Google only had an hour or so before he had to be offline), we found the sacred tree, and with it the remnants of Bil's pursuers, led by his old apprentice, Bulbabalbabil (the "bul" and the "bil" are reversed, you see. We're not very clever when it comes to thinking up code names).

Jack was able to fastball special Durgen (I say, you've got to toss me!) into the throng of Bul's elven minions, taking one of them down for the count in the process. Bil and Fingers were able to make short work of Bul in the meanwhile. At some point, the snake coiled under Jack's kilt got spooked and bit 'im in the junk, then scampered off. Fingers's mistress Rosie was more than happy to tend to the wound, and eagerly sucked out the venom. Unimpressed by the brawny oaf's package, however, Rosie quickly re-pledged her fidelity to her impish consort, and he picked of the remainder of Bul's posse in between loving snogs. The ball of bandages that was Toes grunted her approval.

During the melee, Durgen and Jack made a beeline for the jail, where both Smokey and his captor (the town's mayor) were waiting. Bil cut a path to the alchemist's lab where he hoped to find something useful to use in battle.
Smokey informed Durgen that if we wanted to put out the flames in the O'Malley mine (along with a presumably very unhappy torch), we needed to cut down the sacred tree, which would cause it to rain everywhere in the world -- even indoors. Jack was more than happy to take on the job, and dragged the mayor (apparently a duly appointed representative of the Lumberjack's Guild) to look on and certify his work. Durgen, meanwhile, forbade Smokey to assist unless he could beat him in a drinking contest.

Durgen and Smokey grabbed a cask of sacramental wine that happened to be on site, and prepared to begin their competition. However, as they did so, it transubstantiated into blood, and when the first drop hit Smokey's lips, he flew into the same kill-crazy rage that got him locked up in the first place. Durgen took a swig of the blood for himself (thereby winning the contest), and prepared to tackle this new behemoth of an opponent.

In a fit of anger, Smokey called down a vengeful torrent of blood rain that quickly filled the arena. Since the elves had been defeated, and therefore his work had been done, Fingers took this as a cue to exit stage left with his woman and sister in tow (upon tasting the blood rain, Toes had immediately transformed into a vampire, but given her present condition, no one seemed to notice). Bil, meanwhile, hastily crafted a boat, hoping to navigate the ever deepening sea of blood. Durgen stood strong ready to face down his opponent, but suddenly morphed into a werebear, as the blood he'd swigged caused him to contract some rather unexpected lycanthropy.

The two ursine warriors squared off, trading blow after murderous blow, until finally, only BEARly, Smokey emerged victorious. Jack, however, was growing increasingly frustrated as the combination of the commotion and inclement weather were distracting him from his task. He took an annoyed swing at Durgen, however he did so just as the dwarven bear-thing fell unconscious and was swept away by the sea of blood. Instead, his axe found purchase in Smokey's neck, and the once gentle beast fell to the ground lifeless.

Fade to black.


Fade in.
Camera centers on a torch in the corner of a dark cave. It's screaming. No one is coming to douse it. Its agony will live on for all eternity.