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Mightyblue
06-27-2007, 10:29 PM
Is Your Child a Goth? Presented by St. Mary's Church

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child.

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup,lipstick or nail polish.
-Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.(This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.I've seen this on a few places online, and it just makes me laugh at how random it is. Not to mention I fit at least 10 of the little bullet points, yet I'm not anything close to being a Goth.

poetfox
06-27-2007, 10:32 PM
I'm just glad that your child claiming to be a goth should be the last sign you look for.
Also, expresses an interest in sex? Isn't that... like... just what people do? Express interest in sex?

Parish
06-27-2007, 10:37 PM
Oh man, maybe I'm a goth! And someday when I've sacked the Roman Empire, my parents are gonna feel so bad that they didn't intervene in time.

Edit: WTF, Buddhism and Hinduism as "cults"? NICE ONE

mr_bungle700
06-27-2007, 10:45 PM
This has to be a joke.

Right?

Please?

Some of my favorites:

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.

What?

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this.

CLASSIC.

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

Yup.

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

Because gay = goth = eeeeeevil. Isn't hating entire classes of people for no good reason kind of, you know, a horrible thing to do?

I can't...I just can't go on. There's too much comedy gold/horror in there. I hope this is fake, but I doubt it.

Squall
06-27-2007, 10:48 PM
To be fair, most goths I have known were bisexual.
And I would totally file cable television (as well as any other television) as so totally curupt.

Clearly a joke, though.

shivam
06-27-2007, 11:03 PM
zomg i'm totally a goth.
/cuts himself while listening to souixie sue and the cure.

Zef
06-27-2007, 11:12 PM
You know, if eating Count Chocula is a sign that You Might Be A Goth, what does that make all of us who have played Castlevania? Ultra Goths?

philliam
06-27-2007, 11:27 PM
well i wouldn't want my kid to be goth

VsRobot
06-27-2007, 11:44 PM
No one ever went broke selling misery to teenagers.

Disposable Ninja
06-27-2007, 11:56 PM
Edit: WTF, Buddhism and Hinduism as "cults"? NICE ONE

I'm slightly more perturbed by the inclusion of Philosophy in the Cults bullet.

shivam
06-28-2007, 12:00 AM
especially when you consider that some of the greatest philosophers of the western world were christians.

VsRobot
06-28-2007, 12:18 AM
What they should say is, "Dear kids: Goth Girls are Easy and will Let you Do Anything. (Yes, even that!) but you might have to say you're Bi and be in a MMF threeway"

Sheana
06-28-2007, 12:33 AM
Rock band t-shirts, sleeps/eats a lot, role-playing games, likes privacy?

Crap, guess I'm going to hell.

thomp538
06-28-2007, 01:11 AM
Is your child between the ages of 13 and 19? If so, they might be a teenager.

They have pills for that.

Mr. Sensible
06-28-2007, 02:46 AM
Um, I think "claims to be a goth" would be at the top of the list. Of course, if you're reading this as a reference to your child's behavior, you obviously aren't paying attention to him or her anyway.

Clearly the author is joking and/or insane. Not even my town's ultra-conservative Southern Baptist churches would distribute something like this to their congregations.

shivam
06-28-2007, 03:00 AM
you'd have to be. the 'drinks alcohol' part alone qualifies most of this country.

BEAT
06-28-2007, 05:48 AM
Oddly enough, the only goths I know are ones from my church.

The count Chocula one is classic, though.

openedsource
06-28-2007, 05:56 AM
Crap, guess I'm going to hell.

Or maybe you like to pretend you're already there, you Satan-worshipping goth.

I always preferred Frankenberry. Does that mean I might be homosexual? Oh no, wait, being homosexual is also a sign that I'm a goth.

I really think that the last line should have been "reading this list". Like, if you read this far, and weren't so repulsed by all the gothy terms, you might just be a goth yourself! Get thee to a nunnery, stat!

philliam
06-28-2007, 05:57 AM
i saw this goth dude at the mall and he was like "can i suck yer dick" and i was like no sireebob

then he turned into a bat

marcalan
06-28-2007, 07:03 AM
i saw this goth dude at the mall and he was like "can i suck yer dick" and i was like no sireebob

then he turned into a bat

Well, if you wore pants to the mall, this would not have happened!

I tried to be a goth when I was in high school. Then I realized I just hated everyone and that made me happy, so the goth kids kicked me out of their goth kid games.

philliam
06-28-2007, 07:10 AM
haha the goths wouldn't even accept marcalan

marcalan
06-28-2007, 07:16 AM
Hey, they weren't laughing when I played Vampire Hunter M. Screaming and running in terror was more like it.

Jeanie
06-28-2007, 07:50 AM
Crap, guess I'm going to hell.

I've always said I'm not sure if I want to go to Heaven because I wouldn't know anyone there.

On topic: I'm looking at that list and it seems to me that about 1/3 to 1/2 of that list is normal teenage behavor. Sleeps alot, interested in sex, masturbates, complains of boredom, drinks, smokes, and so on. A lot of the happy, shinny people do that too...

But the Count Chocula thing is awesome. I don't think I can keep from laughing when I through the cereal section anymore.

TheSL
06-28-2007, 08:14 AM
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

Fuck, I work with computers and the internet. I'm goth and didn't even realize it!

Calorie Mate
06-28-2007, 10:29 AM
i saw this goth dude at the mall and he was like "can i suck yer dick" and i was like no sireebob

then he turned into a bat

This is the funniest thing you have ever said. I laughed as hard as when I read that bit about Count Chocula, and that's pretty damn hard.

openedsource
06-28-2007, 10:44 AM
Fuck, I work with computers and the internet. I'm goth and didn't even realize it!

Don't open the red door (http://www.theitcrowd.co.uk/characters/richmond.htm)!

Crazy Larry
06-28-2007, 11:21 AM
Personally, I'm all for this. Goth kids are much more annoying that hyper-religious people. The former are going to bug the shit out of you no matter what. At least the religious types can be scared away.

openedsource
06-28-2007, 05:13 PM
There's only one way to combat the growing forces of the make-believe undead.

Sensible and affordable Sweedish furniture. (http://blog.wired.com/tableofmalcontents/2007/06/griping-goths-g.html)

nadia
06-28-2007, 05:25 PM
Is Your Child a Goth? Presented by St. Mary's Church
(...)
-Claims to be a goth.

Well thanks for taking all the fun out of the investigation, Gothy McCutyourself!

Schmidt
06-28-2007, 06:05 PM
I like how being suicidal is a warning sign about being goth.

"Honey, Johnny's suicidal"
"Well he doesn't have any black clothing, I think we're still ok dear"

Peach
06-28-2007, 06:06 PM
Well thanks for taking all the fun out of the investigation, Gothy McCutyourself!

But, remember, we live an age of ironic hipsters and posing scenesters. No one can be taken at their word nowdays.

The Catholic Church is simply reaffirming their hardline stance against poseurs, as established in The Third Council of Nicea.

alexb
06-28-2007, 07:12 PM
Is that the one where they briefly outlawed ducks?

Ghost from Spelunker
06-28-2007, 08:08 PM
What about watching "The Price is Right?" Craig Ferguson says that Bob Barker is a vampire.

(What about watching Craig Ferguson? He wears a lot of black suits.)

Kishi
06-29-2007, 08:18 AM
This thing's been making the rounds in chain e-mails and on message boards for years and years. I can assure you it does not deserve this level of scrutiny!

R^2
06-30-2007, 01:17 PM
I am reminded of an article I was given -- in church, and wholly without irony -- about the evils of Pokemon.

Apparently the Japanese are all godless heathens who keep familiar spirits as a way to communicate with Satan.

Oh, and the Japanese word for "godless familiar spirit" is "Pika-chu".

Daikaiju
07-02-2007, 12:17 PM
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.

Well just call this Planet Goth then...

ArugulaZ
07-02-2007, 02:16 PM
Masturbation

You can have my schlong when you take it from my cold, dead hands!
(It'll be hard, 'cuz my grip on it will be really, really tight)

JR

Savathun
07-02-2007, 02:24 PM
You can have my schlong when you take it from my cold, dead hands!
(It'll be hard, 'cuz my grip on it will be really, really tight)

JR

I am so immature.

Excitemike
07-02-2007, 02:24 PM
(It'll be hard, 'cuz my grip on it will be really, really tight)

You're doing it wrong.

Savathun
07-02-2007, 02:25 PM
It's sort of like how there's no wrong way to eat a Reeses, you know? I figure, as long as you don't end up electrocuting yourself, you probably did ok.

Heck, even then...

philliam
07-02-2007, 02:39 PM
(It'll be hard, 'cuz my grip on it will be really, really tight)

go to the doctor, son