View Full Version : And Knowing is Half the Battle! Lets Play G.I.Joe!

Octopus Prime
08-18-2008, 06:28 PM
Hello again, one and all. For my fourth Lets Play, I went ahead and picked G.I. Joe, a game which is vastly better then it had any right to be. Considering how it was a licensed NES game, based on a franchise which, at the time, was nearly dead, and was released by TAXAN (who, if you don’t recognize, also brought us Low G. Man… possibly something else as well), the fact that it was good at all is nothing short of miraculous.

There are two types of stages, straight up action stages that invoke Contra, and exploration based ones that are closer to Turrican, or perhaps Sonic the Hedgehog. You’re given 5 Joes to pick from (except in the final mission where you get a special 6th character), each with different capabilities. For the Let’s Play, I’ll be giving all y’all free reign of who I take. Now Lets Get Playing!

G.I. Joe Headquarters-
Mainframe: General Hawk, Sir, we’ve just received intelligence on the location of 6 major Cobra bases! We could take them all out at once!
Hawk: What, seriously? We just found 6 at the same time? How well hidden were they?
Mainframe: Well, I realized that Cobra puts all of its bases in the same few spots every time, so it wasn’t particularly hard to work out. So… should we send some Joes in to take them down?
Hawk: Might as well. That’s what we’re paid for. Send Duke, Snake-Eyes, Blizzard, Captain Grid-Iron and Rock’n Roll.
Mainframe: Why them sir?
Hawk: Well, Duke and Snake-Eyes are two of the most marketable Joes we have, Grid-Iron I haven’t ever actually seen do anything before and Rock n’ Roll owes me money and won’t pay-up.
Mainframe: What about Blizzard?
Hawk: I’m pretty sure that’s actually Snow-Job trying to earn a second pay check. So I always assign them to missions on different sides of the planet to see what he does.
Mainframe: Oh, like on The Brady Bunch.
Hawk: The what?
Mainframe: The Brady Bunch, you know, the show from the 70’s. It had a lot of plots like that.
Hawk: …
Mainframe: It… it was pretty popular program sir.
Hawk: Son, I don’t watch television, I’m a busy man.
Mainframe: Sorry sir, who should we send to the second base then?
Hawk: Well, it’s Memorial Day, so every other Joe has the weekend off, looks like it’s just those five that are working. I’ll set a different one up as team-leader each time, though.
Mainframe: Why?
Hawk: I like to make that vein throb up in Duke’s forehead when he’s not in charge. I’ll go give them the usual pep-talk.


Mainframe: That seemed a little robotic and impersonal, sir.
Hawk: And yet I don’t care. If nothing else, I showed them my winning smile, the greatest morale boost there is.

All right, Talking Time, here are the Joe’s we can pick from:
Duke is the games general purpose well-rounded guy. He gets a pretty robustly large life-bar, fairly strong weapons, a powerful melee attack and high jumping skills. In most games the well-rounded guy isn’t especially good at anything, here he isn’t bad at anything. When fully powered, his gun gets a spread that would make Bill Rizer proud.

Fun Fact about Duke: I never liked him. I wish Flint was here instead.

Like how Duke is really good at everything, Blizzard is pretty awful at everything. He has a lot of stamina, though, so he can at least take a good beating. His upgraded gun can pass through solid walls.

Fun Fact about Blizzard: Seriously, his sprite looks a LOT like Snow Job. I’m not even joking.

I’ll get the bad things about Snake-Eyes out of the way first. He’s got the second lowest stamina and the weakest gun. These are the only area’s he isn’t the best at, and you can extend his health meter with power-ups. Unlike everyone else whose melee attack is a punch, Snake-Eyes uses a sword, instead of a gun, he shoots Hadokens, he has infinite ammo, and, while he can’t fly, he can jump hella high. Snake-Eyes is as awesome as you would think he would be. Larry Hama would be proud. His Hadokens get larger when he upgrades.

Fun Fact about Snake-Eyes: Once, Snake Eyes beat up Starscream in one-on-one combat. I don’t think that was canon, though.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about the Captain. Except in the one mission where you have to, I never bothered with him. I’m not sure why, he has really high stats all around and may be a better choice then Duke. C’est la vie. His gun also gets a progressively wider spread as it upgrades, and it looks like he shoots Footballs.

Fun Fact about Captain Grid-Iron: I’m probably just going to call him Grid-Iron.

Rock & Roll is the teams big gun having guy. He has the single most powerful cannon in the game. As a result, he can’t afford much protection so he gets beat up easily (assuming any enemy can survive long enough to get near), and those guns are really heavy, so he can’t jump very high. Like so many others, his upgraded gun gets a crazy-ass spread.

Fun Fact about Rock & Roll: Rock & Roll attained perfection in the late 1970’s, shortly after the formation of Queen.

So, go ahead Talking Time, tell me which two of these guys I should go ahead and bring with me? To my chagrin, we’ve got to take Duke regardless for this mission.

08-18-2008, 06:40 PM
Take the skier and the ninja along for wacky hijinks!

08-18-2008, 06:42 PM

He's the best. I played but never beat this game.

08-18-2008, 06:45 PM

He's the best.

I think it's pretty safe to say that Snake Eyes is pretty much a perma-choice.

08-18-2008, 06:49 PM
As crazy as this going to sound to all of you GI Joe-NES-game-a-philes, I only played the sequel which is apparently nowhere near as good as this one. But that one let you switch characters mid-level. Does this one have the same feature? Because if so, I request at least one screenshot of Capt. Grid-iron killing someone with a football.

Octopus Prime
08-18-2008, 06:52 PM
As crazy as this going to sound to all of you GI Joe-NES-game-a-philes, I only played the sequel which is apparently nowhere near as good as this one. But that one let you switch characters mid-level. Does this one have the same feature? Because if so, I request at least one screenshot of Capt. Grid-iron killing someone with a football.

You're free to toggle who you're using in the middle of a mission, and you end up using a different Joe as leader for each mission, so rest assured, by hook or by crook, you will see an Infantry Viper get beaned by a large, football shaped cannon shell.

08-18-2008, 06:52 PM
Captain Grid-Iron is made of steel. It took numerous attempts to actually melt him in the microwave.

He needs to be in there for kicks! (GET IT)

But yeah, Snake Eyes has to be in there once in a while.

08-18-2008, 06:58 PM
You're free to toggle who you're using in the middle of a mission, and you end up using a different Joe as leader for each mission, so rest assured, by hook or by crook, you will see an Infantry Viper get beaned by a large, football shaped cannon shell.

Okay, cool.

This thread is making me consider doing an LP of the Atlantis Factor since I've beaten it a million times. But then again, I have no idea how the hell I would make an LP about an NES action game. Good luck pulling that off, OP.

08-18-2008, 07:02 PM
You should prove how awesome you are by using Blizzard whenever possible.

Unless... you aren't really awesome... ?

08-18-2008, 07:02 PM
You should prove how awesome you are by using Blizzard whenever possible.

Unless... you aren't really awesome... ?

Ooh, them's fighting words. Show them what you've got, Octoprime!

08-18-2008, 07:43 PM
So, does Rock and Roll speak only in song titles? Because that's about the only way I'd let anyone with that name on my team.

Yeah, I think I'm the only boy of the 80's who never watched G.I. Joe. The Turtles were better, anyway.

08-18-2008, 08:04 PM
Go for the Grid-Iron!
He looks so ridiculous that its a MUST that you use him a few times. Plus hes a captain. He probably outranks Blizzard and Rock n Roll.

08-18-2008, 08:13 PM
Using Snake-Eyes is like a free "win" ticket. Make it a little challenging for yourself and go with a core team of Blizzard and Capt. Grid-Iron.

Ample Vigour
08-18-2008, 08:18 PM
Snake Eyes is awesome.

A little too awesome.

I vote for the freaks wearing sporting goods.

08-18-2008, 09:02 PM
Go for the Grid-Iron!
He looks so ridiculous that its a MUST that you use him a few times. Plus hes a captain. He probably outranks Blizzard and Rock n Roll.

According to their file cards, Grid-Iron is grade O-3, Rock 'N Roll is E-6, and Blizzard is E-7.

But even after reading this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._military_pay_grades), I'm still not quite sure what it means other than Grid-Iron is the commissioned officer.

08-18-2008, 09:04 PM
For the record, Taxan also made a crappy Castlevania rip-off called 8 Eyes. It was one of those games where every enemy seemed to have more range on their weapons than you did. You did have a pet bird which was kinda cool though.

Back on topic-Get Grid-Iron and Snake Eyes. Never, ever take Blizzard.

08-18-2008, 09:17 PM
Blizzard needs a chance to redeem himself out there in the field of battle so I say go with him and all his Blizzardy(not)goodness.

Go Joe--err Blizzard!

08-18-2008, 09:27 PM

08-19-2008, 12:20 PM

Octopus Prime
08-19-2008, 12:38 PM
If Strider had posted that just a little sooner, then there would have been a three-way tie for who to pick. Alas.


Duke: Blizzard, Grid-Iron, come one we’re due for a rendezvous with Cobra in the Amazon Jungle!
Grid-Iron: You mean I actually get to go on a Mission? Hot Dang! Old Lady Football Gun is going to see some action today!
Blizzard: But… I’m the winter guy. I don’t think I can help much in the jungle. You know, I heard that Snow Job was assigned to the Alaska outpost, maybe I would be more useful over the-
Duke: (interrupting) Blizzard, we’ve had it up to here with your “Oh gee, maybe I should go help out Snow Job instead of whatever I was told to do” attitude. Now, America’s Golden Boy, me, the Quarterback who converted a rifle to shoot footballs instead of bullets, and the skier are going to the Amazon jungle to fight for America’s Freedom!
Grid-Iron: Duke, I don’t think the Amazon is in the US. In fact, I’m rather sure it isn’t.
Duke: South America still counts as America.

Mission 1: Amazon Jungle on the Moon
Part One:
The Cobra Jungle Base
Raptor: I’m not sure why this place is here.
Range Viper: Destro was under-budget for building secret bases, and the Cobra Commander thought he might have some sort of nefarious plan for the Amazon Jungle in the near-future. I think he was going to send it into space, or something.
Raptor: So, why did the Commander send us here?
Range Viper: Well, you’re here because he thought we could use someone with knowledge of animals, and I’m here because I had the weekend off, but could use the extra hours.
Raptor: So what do we do if G.I.Joe comes here?
Range Viper: I don’t know about you, but I’d threaten them mercilessly, and then shoot them with my cannon if they get too close.
Raptor: It occurs to me that I’ve never actually seen you in combat. Or in training… Or ever before.
Range Viper: I’m not a very popular character.[/I]


As team Leader, Duke is the first one off the… vehicle they drove to the jungle with. Just seeing the rear exit isn’t quite enough to tell me what it was, and my knowledge of G.I.Joe isn’t exactly prodigious if it was. Conveniently, a careless Cobra goon left a weapon upgrade carelessly laying around… in mid air, and Duke’s jump stat is high enough to let him grab it. Four of these will cause a Joe’s weapon to upgrade, becoming larger and potentially more powerful.

“Bogey, twelve o’clock high! Scramble! GO GO GO!” cries Duke, even though the rest of his team is no where in sight. Even if they were nearby, the first Cobra troop they find is a lonely Viper, endless shuffling back and forth standing atop what appears to be a heap of moss. He succumbs to Dukes furious barrage without much hassle, exploding in a haze of purple and white.

Slightly further in to the Jungle, the Joe team discovers the first of Cobra’s new Jungle Defenses; Sting Rays trained to leap a good thirty feet out the water, and strike down anyone foolish enough to be passing by.

Though Duke’s gun boasts MASSIVE bullets, it simply doesn’t compare to the sight of footballs burrowing deep into an enemies face, so Grid-Iron takes point. His more powerful gun is better suited for the teeny-tiny, very speedy enemies that lurk in the jungle anyway.

Incidentally, Snake Eyes is the only one who can jump high enough to reach that upgrade.

This is about the only shot I have of the lightning that’s flashing on and off through the level. It’s kind of like that one stage in Ninja Gaiden 2, except less obnoxious since you can still see things.

Subtle ripples of the water cause Grid-Iron to think another Sting-Ray is about to pop out and smack him, but no, these inky depths hold instead a man! A Frog Man! A quick Football in the face causes the amphibious soldier to explode, making that frog look quite toasty, it should be remarked.

“I guess you weren’t ready for some football” say’s Grid-Iron, smirking slightly. Feeling as though he just delivered the ultimate one-liner.

He didn’t.


This is the only photographic proof of the Jungle Bases OTHER trained animal and I’m honestly unsure of what it’s supposed to be. I’m thinking a wild boar? Anyway, the little bastard is really, really fast and low to the ground, so you can only hit him when crouching. I hate that pig.

Octopus Prime
08-19-2008, 12:42 PM
After a short bit of walking, Grid-Iron stops Duke and asks;
“Duke, we’re here fighting Cobra, right?”
“That’s right. Sworn enemies of Freedom, America, and Baseball”
“Right… but, exactly how worried should we be? I mean, is this like Cobra in the comics, where they’re a genuine threat to the safety of the world, or is it like the cartoon, where they’re going to be drawing on the moon, or jumping out of nowhere yelling COOOOOOOBRAAAAAAAAAAAAA?”

As if on cue, the Viper in the foreground chose that moment to leap out while screaming the name of his organization.

“Oh, well, that answers that” shrugs Grid-Iron.
“The fact that you asked the question at all should have been a clear enough hint.”

“Nobody will stop Cobra Commanders glorious plan to move the Amazon jungle into outer space! It will be glorious!” rants the Viper to the distracted Joes. He also takes careful aim at the soldiers two feet in front of him, but is laid low by a football before he can pull his trigger.

“I guess you weren’t ready for some football” says Grid-Iron again, happy to have an audience this time.
“…never mind.”


The music has changed, and the screen has stopped scrolling, which can only mean one thing. There’s a deep, ominous rumbling, but Grid-Iron can’t hear it through the helmet.

Duke actually stops talking about his patriotism for a minute and stares, pointing. His open mouth slack with bewilderment at the sight before him.
“What? Tired about talking about Mom’s apple pie?” sniggers Grid-Iron, still not turning around…


A Cobra Condor Z25 explodes from the canopy behind! This massive fighting engine is at the forefront of Cobra’s air force! It even has Real-Firing Missiles! It’ll take a REAL American Hero to stop this dastardly device. Only 19.95 at Sears. Some assembly required, Captain Grid-Iron, Duke and Blizzard figures not included.

Fun Fact about the Condor Z25: I play Ace Combat the same way the Pilot flies, by flying suicidally close to the ground.


Luckily, though the pilot of the Condor is obviously superhumanly skilled to managed to strafe 3 targets while almost literally skimming the ground, he isn’t exactly the most innovative of Cobra’s tacticans, as he just loops in, launches a few Real Firing Missiles™ and then pulls back for a second. Grid-Iron’s Football Launcher makes short work of it.

But the boss music hasn’t stopped…


Another, undocumented feature of the Condor is that fact that its entire canopy is completely superfluous.
“I just took off half that damn plane and it’s still flying at me!” cries Grid-Iron, rather taken aback at the whole thing.


Finally, after another healthy barrage of footballs, the rear section of the Condor explodes into a shower of NES particle physics and the “Mission Over” music plays.

The Joe team finds themselves at the entrance of the Jungle Base. But… what lies within?

08-19-2008, 01:06 PM
So far off to a funny start. Too bad none of the screens actually show the footballs.

08-19-2008, 01:08 PM
This is about the only shot I have of the lightning that’s flashing on and off through the level. It’s kind of like that one stage in Ninja Gaiden 2, except less obnoxious since you can still see things.

Oh hey, it's the little-known ZX Spectrum version of G.I. Joe.


This is the only photographic proof of the Jungle Bases OTHER trained animal and I’m honestly unsure of what it’s supposed to be. I’m thinking a wild boar? Anyway, the little bastard is really, really fast and low to the ground, so you can only hit him when crouching. I hate that pig.

I believe its Spanish name is "Jamon de cohetes."

Octopus Prime
08-19-2008, 01:09 PM
So far off to a funny start. Too bad none of the screens actually show the footballs.

And man, I was mashing Go on the screen shot button so much it wasn't funny.

08-19-2008, 01:27 PM

As team Leader, Duke is the first one off the… vehicle they drove to the jungle with. Just seeing the rear exit isn’t quite enough to tell me what it was, and my knowledge of G.I.Joe isn’t exactly prodigious if it was.

I searched most Joe vehicles from 1990 and earlier, but I couldn't find what it was.

I'm sure someone else could do the job (http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/).

08-19-2008, 05:12 PM
I can't help but feel like there is a disturbing lack of Blizzard use so far.

Octopus Prime
08-19-2008, 05:16 PM
I can't help but feel like there is a disturbing lack of Blizzard use so far.

This gets ammended tomorrow. Don't worry.

Also: It seems all of Blizzards weapons can fire through walls, not just his strongest one. This is very useful information.

Octopus Prime
08-20-2008, 03:46 AM
The more astute viewer may notice that the Joe’s stats are different at the beginning of this mission then they were at the end of the previous. This is because I neglected to save when I finished playing yesterday, and had to replay the first mission. I did better.

Mission 1-2 Start!
Jungle Base Interior
Raptor: Hey, Range Viper, I think that G.I.Joe may have found out about this base.
Range Viper: Wha? How can you be sure?
Raptor: Well… there was a report from Colin, you know, the guy who flies the Condor waaaaay too close to the ground, anyway he said something to the effect of “Joe’s approaching, I’m going to ram them with my plane”.
Range Viper: Colin wasn’t one of our brighter pilots, was he?
Raptor: Not as such, no. I suppose we better get on the monitors to alert the rest of the troops and prepare our defenses.
Range Viper: Phht, that’s not how Cobra does things.


Raptor: … what did that accomplish?
Range Viper: I’ve demoralized them. They won’t think twice about invading any more Cobra Jungle Bases!
Raptor: If the field report is to believed, they just finished killing everyone in the outer perimeter and shot down a fighter plane. With footballs. I seriously doubt anything is going to demoralize them at this point. Also, you didn’t even threaten them! You just asked them to come see you! How the hell did you even get to command this base?
Range Viper: It wasn’t a very important base.

Mission 1-2 is the first of the games exploration based stages, the objective is to plant bombs on the various weak points of the Cobra Base and exit before the timer expires.

Grid-Iron winced as he kneeled on the rock. Blood was pooling at his feet pretty quickly. He gasped for breath and spoke,
“Duke, I don’t think I’m going to make it. I’ve been hit too many times. I-I think I was lung-shot. Also… a plane hit me a bunch of times.”
“Ahh, you’ll be okay, you just need a quick meal. There’s some rations under that rock, go eat them. That’ll perk ya up.”
Grid-Iron looked up from his half dead stupor.
“Are you telling me that eating some food that you had to find by blowing apart rocks, exposed to the elements in the Amazon Jungle will help me in any way?”
“Well, it sure won’t hurt you.”

As it would happen, Rations refill your health, and the flashing variety, such as this one, refills it all the way. Of course, you wouldn’t be able to tell that it was flashing had I not mentioned it. So… now you know.


“If you’re going to be such a baby about it, I’ll led Blizzard take point for most of this phase of the mission” mutters Duke to the near-dead/well fed Grid-Iron
Overhearing this, Blizzard leaps up, yelping like a little girl.
“OH GOD, Do I have to?”
“Yes, now go in there and throw your life away for freedom”
“Oh this is all going to end in tears.”

Really, look at him and tell me it doesn’t look like Snow Job.

Luckily, having dispatched a few scattered Vipers, Blizzard comes across one who, despite looking right at him, ignores the snowy commando and is talking in his radio, presumably to another low level Viper.

“Yeah, I’m patrolling in front of a checkmark too.” a pause, “Well, the checks are on the bases most structurally weak areas. We’re marching to make sure nobody puts a bomb on it” there was another, longer pause, and Blizzard thought he could make out some audible cussing on the other end
“Look, it’s just a mnemonic device, alright? It’s like saying ‘Check to make sure that there are no bombs here’, that’s why we put checkmarks on the weak points. Now hold on, I think I see a guy in a parka over here. Yes, a guy wearing a parka in the middle of the jung-“

At this point the guard stopped talking, seeing as Blizzard had shot him.


The Medal icon will cause a Joe’s maximum health to increase by a few bars. I let Blizzard take it since he’s going to be taking some lumps in the near future.

Duke takes point again, since there are still some upgrades to be found before the base is blown to pieces, and he has the highest jump.

He also stands in awe of a giant wrecking ball just… dangling there, occasionally plunging down almost to the ground. It is a very pointless tool.


Though you can’t tell from this screen, there were more Stingrays and Frogmen in this very shallow pool. But there’s a Gun Upgrade right below, which is why Duke came up here at all.

The armor suit (which kind of looks like a bears or maybe a dogs face) makes you intangible for a few second letting you slip on through enemy defenses.

Octopus Prime
08-20-2008, 03:49 AM

And here’s the second and final Check Point for the mission. It’s directly next to the level exit and about 15 feet from the other check. Cobra must have spent more money on the trained stingrays than on decent base design.

Duke plants the second and final bomb and heads to the exit. Exiting a level is usually accompanied by a boss fight, and this level is no exception.

Cobra Falconer: Raptor

Duke looks up, nonchalantly, at a flying, shirtless man, carrying a trained hawk.
“Oh, hey Raptor”
Raptor was a bit disappointed at the dismissive greeting, but let it slide. He is nothing if not cordial, after all.
“Hey Duke, how's it hanging”
“Oh you know, same ol’ same ol’. Hy, umm… is Cobra actually planning to launch the jungle into outer space? Because that plan isn’t very… sensible.”
“Well, he was cackling when he announced it, s he may have been joking. I mean, he put Range Viper in command for Gods sake.”
“I never heard of him before either. But I digress, as a trained Cobra operative, I am duty bound to defend this base unto the death. Regardless of how poorly conceived it truly is”

Raptor is a bit of an annoying boss since he spends most of the fight suspended high in the air throwing his bird at you. Luckily Duke’s spread is wide enough at Level 2 that he can practically hit him from the ground, making him the ideal Joe for the fight. Occasionally, Raptor will fly off screen and come down with a punch, shattering one of the blocks we’re standing on.

Fun Fact about Raptor: At first, I though he was Spirit, and I was confused as to why he was fighting me.

After being shot many, many dozens of times into his bare chest, Raptor falls and explodes into blue flame, his bird also falls and bursts into orange flame.
“Tell… Range Viper… he… sucks” gasps the falconer as he ignites. “He… sucks bad”

“Can do, soldier.” Says Duke, wiping a manly tear from his manly eye, “Can do”.

The Cobra Base is primed for demolition, now, but the Joe’s aren’t anywhere near the exit.

Can they escape before the Base explodes?

08-20-2008, 07:12 AM
Blizzard really doesn't look like Snow Job. Snow Job had a fur-lined collar and a red beard and his uniform generally looked less modern than Blizzard's. Blizzard actually looks like Blizzard.

I'm sorry. I have deep-seated nerd-out capabilities where G.I. Joe is concerned.

Octopus Prime
08-20-2008, 07:15 AM
Blizzard really doesn't look like Snow Job. Snow Job had a fur-lined collar and a red beard and his uniform generally looked less modern than Blizzard's. Blizzard actually looks like Blizzard.

I'm sorry. I have deep-seated nerd-out capabilities where G.I. Joe is concerned.

That's all right, I'm the same way about Transformers, and my G.I.Joe knowledge is weak.

I'm basing my assessment on the fact that Blizzard has what appears to be a red beard and a parka.

08-20-2008, 03:30 PM
Blizzard's in-game sprite looks like a...zombie...or something. It resembles the figure even less than the others!

08-20-2008, 11:21 PM
Oh man, use football guy in every level please. Forever. Even in your next LP.

08-21-2008, 12:34 AM
Fun Fact about Raptor: At first, I though he was Spirit, and I was confused as to why he was fighting me.

I'll admit I was never all that into G.I. Joe, even as a kid, but I always thought that pretty much every Joe had a direct counterpart on the Cobra side. I vaguely recall this carbon-copying was one reason I didn't really like the cartoon.

Octopus Prime
08-21-2008, 04:51 AM

Range Viper: Hey Raptor! Raptor? Where are ya buddy?
Cobra Technician: I think he went off to fight the Joes, sir. He took his falcon with him and everything.
Range Viper: Did he beat them?
Cobra Technician: It’s unlikely. It was three against one and, with due respect, Raptor isn’t exactly one of the top Cobra troops.
Range Viper: Well… that’s unfortunate. But as long as nobody put bombs on the bases weak points.
Cobra Technician: Well… about that sir.


Range Viper: So… three minutes until the base goes up, is it?
Cobra Technician: Looks that way, sir.
Range Viper: Well, even if I do end up losing the base, I can still get some praise from Cobra Command if I can take out the Joes! Deploy all troops! Stop them now!
Cobra Technician: They’re all dead, sir. Most suffered fatal football injuries, the rest mentioned something about a parka. It’s just you and me. And a few more stingrays, I think.
Range Viper: Well, grab a weapon and get out there! March!
Cobra Technician: I can’t do too much marching sir. I’ve got a bad leg. I can sit pretty good though.
Range Viper: Well… go sit in the gun chair and wait for one of them to come by. Before you do, though, put me on the big screen again.


Cobra Technician: You’re not especially good at demoralizing, are you sir?
Range Viper: I don’t know about that, everyone I work with has low morale.



As implied, this is the final stage of the Jungle Mission, 180 seconds to get out of the compound before it goes up in flame. It’s pretty much straight platforming, so Duke is the Joe of choice again.


There aren’t many enemies, mostly just Stingrays and those wrecking ball things, and the occasional destructible enviroment. There IS a hidden helicopter that Duke can fly around here somewhere, but I neglected to look for it.

“Lucky thing I have such strong calve muscles” says Duke to nobody in particular, “because these jumps would be quite trying on a wussier man then I”


This is I believe the first screen shot I was able to take of a Joe firing his weapon. Regrettably, it was not Grid-Iron’s Football Gun, but still. Now you know for certain that I wasn’t just using melee attacks all this time. There’s photographic proof.


“Blizzard, I took too many wrecking balls in the head, and stingrays in the foot, you’ll have to take over” say’s Duke, only slightly limping. “It’s the only way”.
“But… you still have about 6 Health Bars left. You can still pull through without having to put me in any danger! Or Grid-Iron. He’s fine”
“It’s true, Duke. I’m fit as a fiddle” pipes up Grid-Iron
“No, no it has to be Blizzard”.
Blizzard chokes back hot tears as he turns to Duke.
“I hate you! I wish that you were put into a longer coma when you got that snake shoved through your chest!”

I seemed to fail to get a shot of it, but the stages lone Viper was here originally. Sitting in that chair mentioned earlier.

The stage ends which means its time for the Climactic Showdown!

Cobra Wilderness Trooper: Range Viper!

“Up here, G. I. Fools!” bellows a voice from atop the trees, “You came this way seeking the exit to the abse, but instead you found only a man! A man dedicated to your destruction! For I am he who is known as Range Viper! And those are the last words you will ever hear!”

Blizzard looks around at the vaguely dramatic declaration, before seeing Range Viper in the canopy.

“Oh, you’re the guy in charge of this base?” he asks.
“Well, yes! I am the one who Cobra Commander entrusted with the noble mission of launching the Amazon Jungle into space!” Range Viper stood tall, proud of his assignment.
“And who are you, exactly?”
“I am Range Viper! The Cobra Wilderness Trooper! I could live out the rest of my life in the harshest of environments with no supplies whatsoever! I am the perfect weapon!”
Upon hearing their foes name, Grid-Iron pipes up.
“I thought the guys we were already fighting were Vipers, what makes you so special?”
“They were just Infantry Vipers! I’m RANGE Viper! Whole new paradigm!”
“Are there any other Range Vipers, or is it just you?” asks Blizzard.
“I… we… that’s classified! I’m special! I command a whole base! The other ones just get the crap assignments far away form anything important Cobra Command is doing! I’m completely different”.

The Joes did their best not to laugh at this statement.

“All right, lets just get the fight started, can we?”

Fun Fact about Range Viper: I didn’t know this guy was supposed to be a Range Viper until I looked it up online. I also didn’t know that Range Viper was even a character until I looked it up online.

Another Fun Fact about Range Viper: According to his file card, everything I just wrote about him is, in fact, accurate.

Octopus Prime
08-21-2008, 04:55 AM

Range Viper leaps all over the place with the reckless zeal, and long-jump distance of a Mega Man boss and occasionally stops to launch a few rounds from his grenade launcher, as shown here. The grenades have a pretty huge explosion radius, but they travel slow, so dodging is no problem. The shells are also, apparently bullet proof, since your shots can be intercepted by them.


As you can tell from the dwindling bullet count and Blizzards health bar, Range Viper takes a huge amount of punishment before dying. He’s beating Blizzard pretty badly, so Grid-Iron gets called back to active duty.


Which was kind of pointless since Range Viper was very nearly dead at this point anyway.

Duke runs up as Range Viper collapses, “I have a message for you from Raptor”
The burning soldier looks up,
“He said you suck. You suck bad.”
Range Viper gave a thumbs-up as he vanished into the blue ether. It’s possible he didn’t hear the message properly.


Duke is the only one that is shown leaping back into the indeterminate land vehicle, but presumably Grid-Iron and Blizzard are there too. And not a moment too soon.




Meanwhile: Back at G.I. Joe Command:

Mainframe: General Hawk, Sir, we’ve just received a communication from Duke’s squad. They destroyed the first Cobra Base.
Hawk: Took ‘em long enough. Back when I was in the field I’d have that base taken out, rebuilt and then demolished a second time. In fact that exact scenario happened more then once.
Mainframe: That seems… pretty unlikely sir.
Hawk: It’s quite true.
Mainframe: …so who are we deploying this time?
Hawk: I was thinking the exact same people we chose from before. Put me on the screen though, I want to moralize them!



So there we have it, Talking Time. The Amazon Jungle Base has been destroyed, Raptor and Range Viper are dead, and the Joe Team is headed to the secret Missile Base in Antarctica. Blizzard is Team Leader this time, but as before, the other two spots are up… to YOU!

Next Time:
Cats in the Cradle with the Man of the Doom!

08-21-2008, 08:58 AM
Blizz, Grid Iron, Snake Eyes.

Yo Joe!

08-21-2008, 09:53 AM
I love how the view screen has two red lights near the top that say "ALART" and "ARART".

So uh, how about Grid Iron and... Rock and Roll. That should prove fun.

08-21-2008, 10:05 AM
I love how the view screen has two red lights near the top that say "ALART" and "ARART".


I see it now. Good call on that Rai.

Octopus Prime
08-21-2008, 10:17 AM
I love how the view screen has two red lights near the top that say "ALART" and "ARART".

So uh, how about Grid Iron and... Rock and Roll. That should prove fun.

I've got no idea how many times I've played this game in the past, and that is first time I've ever noticed it.

08-21-2008, 10:36 AM
I love how the view screen has two red lights near the top that say "ALART" and "ARART".

So uh, how about Grid Iron and... Rock and Roll. That should prove fun.

ALART is on the left, ARART is on the right. L and R. Makes perfect sense. I don't see the pr...oh. Oh.

I never realized that was supposed to be a Range Viper. I thought it was a retarded version of Darklon or something. Well, even more retarded.

Octopus Prime
08-23-2008, 07:21 AM
I would like to keep playing, but we need someone to break a tie here. We've got two votes for Grid-Iron and one each for Rock & Roll and Snake-Eyes.

08-23-2008, 09:13 AM
Bring in the big guns, yo! I want to the badest gun level-up in the game.

When it's Snake Eye's turn to be the leader, he just let him go alone, like a true Ninja warrior.

Octopus Prime
08-23-2008, 09:44 AM
Bring in the big guns, yo! I want to the badest gun level-up in the game.

When it's Snake Eye's turn to be the leader, he just let him go alone, like a true Ninja warrior.

Regretably, Snake-Eyes has to bring two other Joe's with him. They cramp his style, but nothing can be done about that.

Also, can I assume your request to "Bring in the big guns" is a vote for Rock 'n Roll? Since he has the cannons that kill everything.

08-23-2008, 03:32 PM
Regretably, Snake-Eyes has to bring two other Joe's with him. They cramp his style, but nothing can be done about that.

Also, can I assume your request to "Bring in the big guns" is a vote for Rock 'n Roll? Since he has the cannons that kill everything.

Oh, bring whoever, but leave them on the bench (or in the Jeep?). Snake-Eyes should be the only one you play for that level.

And yeah, it's time to Rock n' Roll!

Octopus Prime
08-23-2008, 05:38 PM
Well, that's enough to break the tie.

If no one else votes between now and the time I get off work tomorrow, Blizzard, Rock & Roll and Grid-Iron will be headed to sunny Antarctica.

08-23-2008, 05:42 PM
I vote to use Snake-Eyes.


Kidding, I'd like to see Rock & Roll in action, personally.

Octopus Prime
08-24-2008, 04:30 PM
Mission 2: Cats in the Cradle with the Man of the Doom!

En Route to the Antarctic:
Blizzard: But sir, why do I have to be the Team Leader? I mean… surely Duke is more of a leader then I could ever hope to be!
Duke: I’m inclined to agree sir. I mean, I’m practically G.I. Joe’s poster-boy!
Hawk:: Yes, but my decision is final. Blizzard, you’ll be taking Grid-Iron and Rock & Roll to the Antarctic in order to demolish the Cobra Missile Base.
Blizzard: But why ME?
Hawk:: Why ask why?
Duke: Well, at the very least I don’t have to take orders from Blizzard. That’s worth something.
Blizzard: You guys all suck.

Meanwhile: At the Cobra Antarctic Base
Cobra Technician: We have an incoming transport, sir. Visual ID confirms it to be a Joe craft.
Metal Head: Ahh, they must have discovered out insidious plan to develop a weapon capable of unleashing the deadly micro-organism ICE 4.5 into the upper stratosphere, thereby freezing half of the water on the face of the Earth!
Cobra Technician: Sir, that statement seemed a little heavy on exposition and stilted.
Metal Head: Private, delivering stilted, exposition-heavy statements is how you get promoted in this organization. Why do you think Cobra Commander has one-sided conversations all the time?
Cobra Technician: I thought it was because he was pretty insufferable.
Metal Head: That helps too.


Rather then getting a semi-epic scene of Blizzard leaping out of some sort of vehicle, Mission 2 begins with Blizzard just standing on a Cliffside near the Missile Base. There is some nice parallax scrolling introducing the base, but you can’t really appreciate it too much in a still picture.

Defying the expectations laid down by countless side scrollers before and since, the Ice Level in this game does NOT cause you to skid wildly out of control every time you move. And good thing too, since this level is LOUSY with bottomless pits.

Periodically, the silos in the background will launch ballistic missiles at you, as seen here. As with Range Vipers grenades, the explosion radius of the missiles is ENORMOUS and takes a healthy bite out of your life. Also, we’ve got Vipers on some kind of… flying sleds? They’re not dissimilar to the Gear Clowns form Mega Man 2, except much more durable and constantly moving forward.

I hate those sky sled guys.


Here are those numerous bottomless pits I mentioned earliar. Blizzard, being a wuss, and not especially adept at leaping across perilous grounds with skies attached to his feet puts Rock & Roll in charge. Rock & Roll, for those keeping score, is the guy with the smallest jump stat in the game.

There is a good reason why Blizzard doesn’t lead many missions.


Amazingly, Rock doesn’t starve to death as he plummets down a bottomless pit. In fact, he passes the obstacle harmlessly, only to be greeted by… this guy. He kind of looks like a Crimson Guardsman at an easel. An easel which shoots bullets. I’m honestly hesitant to make any sort of solid guesses with regard to this games sprite-work. Nevertheless, Rcok & Roll doesn’t truck with the artsy types. He blows a large hole in the fellows chest with his cannons.

“Another one bites the dust” says Rock and Roll.


Rock passes another series of pits and blows apart several more Vipers, sleds and artistically inclined Crimson Guardsmen, but he is running low on health! Can our musically inclined hero find a pack of rations before his life is forever vanquished?


Apparently not.

“Rock! Hold on buddy! I’ve got some food on me! It’s blinking and everything! That’ll fix you right up” says Grid-Iron, straddling his fallen comrade. But Rock and Roll shakes his head, he is prepared for what lies beyond.
“Who wants to live forever?” he asks.
Blizzard was about to say “Well, I do”, but thought better of it. Specfically he thought better of it when he saw Grid-Iron pick up his football gun.

“I swear… by the God-Given Right bestowed in my Rifle, converted to launch Footballs instead of bullets, that you will be avenged, and all the Vipers Cobra has shall not detain me!”

I FINALLY got a shot of Grid-Irons Football Gun in action! Unfortunately, the bullets blink a lot, so I snapped a shot of them as they are green and not-at-all football like. Rest assured, they sometimes are colored properly for footballs.

Octopus Prime
08-24-2008, 04:32 PM

Grid-Iron also makes good on his promise to avenge his fallen comrades. I don’t quite recall how Blizzard died, but his life bar is empty so it must have happened at some point.


Grid-Iron is unstoppable at this point, having personally destroyed the entire outer perimeter of the Antarctic Base. The Bob-Ross-Crimson-Guard is the final defense. There are no more vipers. Grid-Iron has succeeded in avenging the death of his friend. And the death of Blizzard as well.

“Rest now, sweet Prince… and Blizzard, and scores of angels sing thee to thy rest… and Blizzard too”.

Oh but what kind of way is that to end a level?

Cobra Amphibious Weapon: Sea Ray

Bursting forth from the icy depths of the ocean (presumably) comes a Cobra Sea-Ray! A formidable flying nemesis for Cobra! It’s a highly-armed attack craft that quickly disengages to become a submarine and a glider-wing!

Unlike previous bosses, the Sea-Ray has weak points that need to be demolished in order to win the day. Specifically, it’s all those Real-Firing Missiles™ that need to go. And Grid-Iron is the best Joe for the job there. The fact that he’s also the only surviving Joe just makes him even more qualified.

Fun Fact about the Sea Ray: Despite the name, it isn’t just for the sea. So it being in Antarctica isn’t completely preposterous. It’s just pretty silly.

Luckily, even though the Sea-Ray fires all of its missiles at once, they still fire in sequence from left to right, so dodging them is easy. Rather then using the Football Gun, Grid-Iron is taking on the Ray with his hand grenades.

Unlike guns, you have infinite grenades and they get lobbed in an arc, which puts you safely out of the Rays firing range. Plus they can get thrown pretty quickly. I’m not sure if the Grenades strength is based on the Melee strength (since they can only be used when you’re going bare-knuckled), or if they’re based on Gun strength (since they’re, you know, weapons), but Grid-Iron excels at both, so it’s a moot point.


The Rays missiles have been half demolished, meaning the Ray is nearly destroyed. Keep lobbing for freedom you football launching goon!


Finally, after blasting many, many holes into the fuselage of the flying submarine, Grid-Iron successfully blows apart each of the inexhaustible Real-Firing Missile™ Batteries. Just then, the back flies open and its pilot, Sea Slug, escapes in the crafts Glider-Wing Mode*

“You will never stop our plan to freeze half the world G.I Joe!” he screams triumphantly. Well, somewhat triumphantly.

The triumph was cut short by Sea Slug quickly realizing why people generally do not go hang-gliding in the middle of the South Pole, as the wings freeze solid and he crashes back to the indescribably cold waters below.

Grid-Iron walks forward, into the Cobra Missile Base

*this part didn't actually happen in the game, but I felt like giving Sea Slug at least some notoriety.

08-24-2008, 05:01 PM
I hate the next stage so, so much. Hope it doesn't drive you crazy like it did me.

Octopus Prime
08-24-2008, 05:08 PM
I hate the next stage so, so much. Hope it doesn't drive you crazy like it did me.

Stagte 2-2 is pretty bad (mostly thanks to its boss), but 5-2 is MUCH worse.

Octopus Prime
08-25-2008, 07:18 AM
I apologize if this update isn't up to snuff, I have a bad cold.


Inside the Arctic Base:
Cobra Technician: Good news sir! The bases outer defenses were able to reduce the Joe threat by 66%! Sea Slug is dead, however.
Metal Head He died as he lived, flying a submarine through the air.
Cobra Technician: What shall we do about the remaining Joe, sir?
Metal Head I seriously doubt a single Joe can plant all three necessary demolition charges throughout the base while avoiding being blown to pieces by the heaps of mini-helicopters and teleporting Vipers we have stashed around.
Cobra Technician: Nevertheless, sir, we do have those few Buzz Boars sitting around, maybe we could use them too.
Metal Head: No, I have a better idea! Let’s stash them, fully manned, just outside the emergency exit!
Cobra Technician: But why?
Metal Head: Because three of them will make for an extremely annoying boss fight! Now, quick, put me on the monitors!


Metal Head: You see? I also worked in a sly nod to our plans to freeze half the world with ICE 4.5
Cobra Technician: Why, sir?
Metal Head: Kurt, it’s one of those things you just don’t need to understand.


As previously mentioned, this time there are three Check Points to locate and place charges on. Grid Iron is still on his own, since Joe’s only come back with a game over. This is foreshadowing.


The Antarctic Base is much larger then the Jungle Base and its Checks are much better hidden. Also, there are heaps of conveyor belts all over the place. If you guess that there’s a level coming up when there’s nothing but conveyor belt platforming then, congratulations, that’s right.


Here are some of those Teleporting Vipers mentioned earlier; they pop in, shoot, and pop out. They also take a heap of shots to kill. Luckily, Grid-Iron doesn’t need a gun to kill things. A single punch to the jaw drops them and makes them go all explodey.


Finally, the tables are turning, Grid-Iron blows open a hole in the floor and finds a tiny helicopter. A Tiny Helicopter that has a mini-gun attached. It makes short work of every single enemy in the base, but it can only take a few shots before blowing up.


“Up, up and awaaaay in my beautiful… my beautiful… helicop-ter”


And here’s Check Point One! Actually, it’s pretty clever of Cobra to have put the bases weak point in a place that’s so hard to reach, let alone place a explosive charge on. Kudos to you, Cobra Engineer.



Of course, NES games rarely follow logic, so placing the bomb isn’t impossible, or even difficult.
Boo on you, Cobra Engineer.


Besides the teleporting Vipers, the base is full of tiny helicopters. The helicopters aren’t any strong and Grid-Iron can punch them out of the sky as well.

To restate: Grid-Iron can PUNCH a helicopter and make it EXPLODE!

I am so glad he’s a good guy.

Octopus Prime
08-25-2008, 07:20 AM

Just under the heap of conveyors and wreckage of many helicopters, Grid-Iron finds the second Check Point. Things are coming up roses!


The last Check Point is well hidden in the only part of the base Grid-Iron hasn’t been into yet. It’s hard to tell from the screenshot, but Grid-Iron is behind the wall, just under the check.


Oh Yeah! All three bombs placed. Just to hop through the door and escape!

Cobra Armed Drill: Buzzboar x 3

And here’s the boss. Three Buzz Boars. With their large rotating wheels, the boars can dig underground to cache top-secret implements of destruction! This toy does not fire missiles.

Well, actually, they DO fire missiles. Big spinny ones that are hard to dodge. Plus they are crazy-ass fast and take a lot of bullets to destroy. A few punches could probably do the job faster, but, honestly, I don’t want to have to get that close to these things.


Not that it matters since the Buzz Boars rip Grid-Iron to shreds. The entire Joe team is dead. The world is doomed!

Oh but what is this? It seems that a continue screen has appeared, along with Metal Heads somewhat non-intimidating gloat. Continuing means you have to restart the level and you lose any Weapon Upgrades, but it gives you back all your Joes.


My second trip through the Base fairs considerably better. Not only did the entire Team survive, I managed to upgrade Grid-Irons Football rifle to launch three pigskins instead of two.


Round two goes significantly better for all persons involved, with the exception of the Buzz Boar pilots. We’ll assume they flew out with parachutes, even though it wasn’t shown in the game. We’ll chock it up to the technical limitations of the NES.


Despite the fact that the previous screen showed I have only 157 second left, the timer is somehow reset to show 180 seconds. That was nice of those explosives.

But why lies in wait for our hereoes? Stay Tuned for our next exciting episode!

Which probably won't be until I feel less miserable.

Octopus Prime
08-26-2008, 09:20 AM
Wow, it’s amazing how much better cold medicine works when you don’t take the Night-Relief pills in the day and the Day Relief at night. Who’d a thunk it?


Cobra Technician: Sir, it would seem that the entire battalion of Buzzboars we had has been demolished.
Metal Head: That’s… sub-optimal.
Cobra Technician: More bad news, according to field reports, the Joes that Sea Slug’s forces killed previously are still alive somehow.
Metal Head: Well, that’s not out of the ordinary.
Cobra Technician: Sir?
Metal Head: The Matrix of Leadership is said to be able to bring Sparks back online.
Cobra Technician: …That’s the wrong Hasbro franchise, sir.
Metal Head: Oh, well… that’s pretty weird then.
Cobra Technician: Also, it seems that the football helmet guy was able to place three demolition charges throughout the base. We have… 180 seconds until we all die.
Metal Head: Until YOU all die, maybe. I’m the guy with a jetpack, and the only way out is a series of tiny, tiny conveyor belts over a deep abyss. Everyone else can try to stop the Joes.
Cobra Technician: It’s been a pleasure working with you sir. I’ll put you on the monitor now.


Cobra Technician: Sir, none of them are actually named Joe. It’s just the code name for the entire team.



As previously mentioned, all of mission 2-3 is a series of teeny, tiny conveyor belts spread along a massive gaping chasm of doom. And many of those platforms contain Vipers. And the ones that do not are plagued by a seemingly endless supply of helicopters that zoom every which way. There for, in theory, this level is obnoxiously difficult to a ridiculous extreme.

In theory.


A short distance left of the starting point is an unoccupied Buzzboar. And, as the previous boss fight illustrated, Buzzboars can move on any surface, including the ceiling.

“This one is a bit more beat up then the ones you fought against before, Grid-Iron” says Blizzard, “I think piloting it may be suicidal”
Grid-Iron nodded, “I’d wager it could only take about 3 good hits before it explodes, ejecting you out of it, you best be careful in it”.
“Wha? Why do I have to pilot it?”
“Well, odds are that the Cobra Operative in charge of this base is tougher then the previous two, and you don’t really have much of a chance of beating him, with your sissy little gun and knives. Plus, you’re Team Leader and haven’t really done much leading. Plenty of lying around dead, but not much leading.”


And so, Blizzard did begrudgingly climb into the Buzzboar against his will, only changing his mind when it was pointed out that 3 minutes before an entire military installation exploded was not the best time to pout.

A pair of ludicrously huge cannons being pointed at him helped make his mind up too.

“You guys are assholes”

The journey is gradual, since care had to be taken to dodge or blow up every enemy that came by. Eventually, after many continues, the Joe team reached the end of the corridor with no fatalities.


“Well, we’re at the end of the corridor, but I don’t see the leader anywhere. Nor do I see the door that lead from the base interior to the inside of a gla-“

Blizzard is cut off as a huge explosion knocks the rocks loose from the Cliffside and a small somersaulting, purple-clad individual explodes forth, launching missiles every which way.


Destro’s Anti-Tank Specialist: Metal-Head
The somersaulting man came to a rest behind Rock & Roll, while the Joe was busy scrambling to avoid the falling debris.

“Sorry about that, I do tend to fire wildly with these anti-tank rockets, my name is Metal Head, and I will be your executioner tonight.”

“Oh come on, could you not think of a better introduction then that?” asks Blizzard.

“Well, I’m sorry, I thought the whole ‘explode out of a rock wall with back flips and wild-firing missiles was enough of an introduction, I didn’t realize you guys were friggin’ royalty.”

Grid-Iron steps in, “You thought wrong. We Joes expect a certain level of quality introduction before we start blowing people and places up. At the very least, you could explain your nefarious plan to us. Do us that much courtesy at least.”

Metal-Head sighs as he reloads his rocket barrel, “Fine. I was sent here as part of Cobra’s secret operation, ‘Project: Cat Cradle” to launch a missile armed with a deadly microbe capable of freezing half the worlds water supply, unless unspecific, though probably large, demands were made”

“Wait, Cats Cradle… and freezing the world… the hell? Is Cobra Commander basing his domination schemes on Oprah’s Book Club now?”

“Actually, that was all me. I even named the microbe ICE 4.5 and made sure I had a guy named Kurt work on it. I thought it was clever. And YOU’RE the only one to notice it!”

“Well, it wasn’t the most clear of references. That’s another area you need work in”

“Well, at least tell me what you think of the plan”

“It’s cold as ice” say’s Rock & Roll, shouldering his cannons and managing to both deliver a horrible pun and making his quota for song references. I’m proud of him.

Fun Fact about Metal-Head: Between his stupid name, his ugly face, and his obnoxiously difficult boss fight, there is nothing I even remotely like about him. I also question the logic of deploying an anti-tank specialist against infantry.

Also, pay no attention to the status bar in this screen, it was from one of my numerous failed attempts to beat him.


Metal Head makes a habit of flipping through the air all crazy like and launching rockets at the walls, rather then you. This SOUNDS okay, but the rockets actually deal less damage then the resulting falling rocks, and much less damage then the collision with Metal-Head does. And since he’s doing so much crazy-flipping, he’s bound to run into you a lot.

Also, if whatever Joe you’re using dies, the entire fight starts over again. This limitation doesn’t extend to swapping Joes, though, so the best strategy is to start with your weakest character (in this case, Blizzard) and shooting the holy bajeezus out of him non-stop. When Blizzard gets low on health, Grid-Iron takes over and loads his face-hole with footballs, then to Rock & Roll when Grid-Iron takes too much damage.

Due to the huge amount of damage he has to take, and the fact that the entire screen is full of things to dodge, Metal-Head is one of the toughest bosses in the game.

I hope.


“Only too late do I realize that crime doesn’t pay” says Metal-Head as he erupts into blue flame.


Even though there were still 170 seconds left on the timers, the base explodes as soon as Metal-Head falls. I could explain it, but there’s a lot of science involved.

Octopus Prime
08-26-2008, 09:24 AM

G.I. Joe Headquarters-
Mainframe: We’ve just got confirmation, General Hawk, Blizzards team destroyed the Missile base in Antarctica!
Hawk: Who did what now?
Mainframe: Blizzard sir, he lead his team to destroy the base and complete his mission.
Hawk: The snow-guy?
Mainframe: That’s him.
Hawk: Seriously? Blizzard?
Mainframe: I know how it sounds, sir, but we have confirmation, Blizzard saved the world.
Hawk: I’ll be danged. Well, what’s next then?
Mainframe: The next Cobra Base we have intel on is a large computer facility buried somewhere deep under the New York sewers.
Hawk: We’ll send Snake Eyes, and two of the other 4 guys.
Mainframe: I don’t think that’s wise sir. It’s an urban mission, wouldn’t Tunnel Rat or Roadblock be better suited for that environment?
Hawk: Oh, what was that GENERAL Mainframe, sir? I seem to have forgotten that you’re the leader of the entire Joe team, and not me. Now how could I have forgotten that I promoted you above me? That seems like a pretty big mistake to make sir.
Mainframe: (fighting back hot tears)…patching you through to the field team now, sir.



And so ends the saga of the Antarctic Missile Base. The next mission takes us to the Sub-Sewers to smash have a Ninja smash a computer? But who will Snake-Eyes take with him? The choice… is YOURS!

08-26-2008, 09:31 AM
I vote Blizzard for every mission.

Outside of that, though, Captian Grid Iron would probably look the least out of place walking around in an urban environment.

08-26-2008, 09:35 AM
I vote for the gunshaver! Rock rock on!

Octopus Prime
08-26-2008, 09:36 AM
I vote Blizzard for every mission.

Outside of that, though, Captian Grid Iron would probably look the least out of place walking around in an urban environment.

Note that it's not a particularly Urban enviroment. It's the sewers.

Football players don't look very not-out-of-place there.

08-26-2008, 09:42 AM
Note that it's not a particularly Urban enviroment. It's the sewers.

So is that why they chose Snake Eyes to lead the mission then, in case they ran into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Octopus Prime
08-26-2008, 09:43 AM
So is that why they chose Snake Eyes to lead the mission then, in case they ran into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

That's the theory I'm working with, yes.

Octopus Prime
08-30-2008, 07:44 AM
I can't really go ahead with the mighty computerized labyrinth beneath New Yorks sewers with such a dead-heat between 3 characters.

It's one vote each between Blizzard, Grid-Iron and Rock & Roll.

08-30-2008, 10:09 AM
Let's Rock&Roll with Grid-Iron, chief.

Octopus Prime
08-31-2008, 12:01 PM
This is probably the single shortest update I've ever done because the level is seriously freakin' short.

Mission 3: I Have No Sewers, and I Must Scream!

Mainframe: Good news Grid-Iron, Rock & Roll, you two are joining Snake Eyes into the sewers!
Grid-Iron: That doesn’t seem very sensible, wouldn’t one of the Joe’s better suited for urban combat work be-
Mainframe: I already pointed that out, Grid-Iron. Hawk said some callous things and then hit me with his hat. Please, just go.
Snake Eyes: >=(
Grid-Iron: Snake Eyes doesn’t seem pleased that he has to bring along the “dead weight”, sir, and he goes on to say that you can shove that “ARART” sign where the… well you get the gist of it. Dude, that’s not polite.
Snake Eyes: (dismissive hand wave)


OVERLORD: At last, my automated defenses are in place, and my army of B.A.Ts stand ready. It is unthinkable that any force, even one lead, for example, by a taciturn ninja could penetrate my command bunker and thwart my plan to build a rather large computer bank beneath New York city!
BAT: Beep. Whirr… Click-Click?
OVERLORD: Well, admittedly, yes, if a Ninja was also bringing along the means to launch footballs at high velocity or found the secret elevator entrance to the bunker maybe then I would be worried. But what are the chances of that happening?
BAT: Beep
OVERLORD: Never tell me the odds.




Mission 3-1 is one of the staples of the side-scrolling shooter, and action games in general: The big long elevator ride where enemies constantly pop out to harass you.


Here’s one now.

Like most of the games enemies, the stages enemies are remarkably resistant to bullets, but are vulnerable to melee attacks. And, luckily, Snake Eyes and Grid-Iron possess two of the strongest melee attacks. Awesome.


“:D” gestures Snake Eyes, as he decapitates various Cobra Soldiers. Since this is a computer base, and the overseer is Overlord, I’m willing to bet that these are B.A.Ts instead of Vipers.

The important thing is that the animal naming scheme is kept.

Possible V-Tol Jet? Cobra FANG II

Shortly, about 70 seconds after the elevator starts, it hits the bottom of the chasm and Snake Eyes faces down what is quite probably the single least dangerous boss in the game. The Cobra FANG mk. II

According to the catalogue Destro sends for with these things:
“With a blast of devastating firepower, the Cobra FANG II uses its Twin, Tilt wing, prop-fan engines to swoop down and destroy unsuspecting G.I. Joe forces”

At least, that’s what I assume it reads, the picture on yojoe.com was pretty blurry on that part. Every part of the product description is a lie, however.


Similar to the Sea-Ray, The FANG just hovers along, periodically stopping to launch some Real Firing Missiles™. Unlike the Ray, however, the FANG has no special weak point, it’s missiles fire slowly and fewer are launched over a more narrow area.

Also, it seems that one of a Ninja’s lesser known abilities are their ability to lob grenades at a ridiculous speed. After almost literally making it rain plastique, Snake Eyes brings down the small aircraft.


Seriously, a Trouble-Bubble would have been more threatening.

For those of you keeping track at home (or who bothered to look at the status bar), this level took me 104 seconds to complete.

08-31-2008, 02:14 PM
OVERLORD: Well, admittedly, yes, if a Ninja was also bringing along the means to launch footballs at high velocity or found the secret elevator entrance to the bunker maybe then I would be worried.

Ninjas with footballs.. my god, the ultimate weapon.

Octopus Prime
09-01-2008, 08:12 AM

In the Sewer Base:
B.A.T: Beep.. Whirr… Beep?
Overlord: A Ninja with access to a football gun found the secret elevator? Wow, that was pretty improbable.
B.A.T: Clang
Overlord: Well I thought you were exaggerating. I guess it may have been a good idea to put some sort of decent defense system in there, instead of just an elevator and a small helicopter.
B.A.T: Bitti-bitti-bitti-bitti
Overlord: Well come on, it was a helicopter in a sewer tunnel. I thought the element of surprise would have given it the advantage.
B.A.T: Whirrrrrrr
Overlord: You’re pretty snarky for a robot who can only speak in onomatopoeia.



The Sewer Base is much larger then previous bases, and there are 5 bombs to plant. Luckily, the fates decides to give me Snake Eyes, Rock & Roll and Grid-Iron, which collectively makes any threat seem minor.


“…?” cries Snake Eyes in surprise. He adopts a pose which seems to suggest “I can jump the highest of any G.I. Joe, and even I can’t scale a wall that high. And there’s no other way around. I think I may be trapped down here, down in the computerized base located deep under New Yorks sewers”. It’s a very elaborate pose.


Snake Eyes smacks his forhead as he remembers that, yes, he IS a Ninja, and like any Ninja worth his salt, he can scale walls. Actually, any Joe can do that, but I think only in Mission 3 does it come up.


And there’s out first Check point, located shortly outside the base entrance, and beneath a missile turret and a boomerang(?) armed B.A.T. In theory, Overlord could have put those guards in front of the Check, guarding it, rather then above them, out of the way.

For being an efficient, pitiless cyborg, Overlord isn’t very bright.


All right, one bomb down, four to go.


And just to show that Snake Eyes is just that good, here’s a shot of him leaping into the air and launching a silent Hadoken at an unsuspecting missile battery. He was doing this back in ’91. It took Ryu YEARS to be able to throw fireballs in midair.

Who’s the better fictional martial artist now, I wonder?


Just outside the entrance is a hidden Buzz Boar. The stage is easy enough to traverse, with all the walls you can grip, but the Buzz Boar is faster, has a powerful cannon and, most importantly, can take a few hits that the Joes don’t have too.


At the top of the Sewer Base is a… guy who walks on the ceiling. I’m honestly becoming unsure if the enemies in this base are supposes to be robots or ninja at this point, there seem to be equal amounts of both. Either way, the wall crawling clawed individual gets pelted by the Buzz Boars giant spinning shells and explodes in a majestic display of purple and pink.

Octopus Prime
09-01-2008, 08:15 AM

“>=[“ declares Snake Eyes as he sees the next check point behind a wall. It seems he took a wrong turn somewhere in the subterranean maze.

“Watch you language” Grid-Iron chides “I joined the Joe team to fight for freedom by launching footballs into a terrorists face, not to listen to your potty-mouth”


“=D” This checkpoint is hidden in plain sight and Snake Eyes plants the explosive on it easily.

I also apparently didn’t mash Go on the Screenshot Button between this and my next few Check Point discoveries, so get ready for a Bomb Setting Montage:


Magestic. Just imagine an 80’s Power Ballad when looking at them and it seems less insubstantial.


Snake Eyes took a few too many rockets to the face, so he had Grid-Iron take over. Luckily, the big lug found the fifth and final Checkpoint.


Astute viewers may notice that Grid-Iron and Snake Eyes have the exact same hands. Could they be related?

According to Larry Hama, Snake Eyes is indirectly related to pretty much every other character, so it wouldn’t surprise me too much.


Since he was the least dead member of the team, Rock & Roll took over to track down the Base exit.


And there we are, leaving the base with a little more then two minutes left on the clock. Probably not the most ideal amount of time to try to escape from a military complex build in secret under a densely populated area in.

Octopus Prime
09-01-2008, 08:17 AM
COBRA Computer System: C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R

A single grey light brightens the dim tunnel, a speaker activates and a harsh mechanical voice sounds.
“Oh hello, it’s been a while since I’ve had guests. Welcome to Cobra’s secret computer base located deep under the New York Sewer System. Pardon the mess, but sewers are quite difficult to keep clean as you may imagine”. The machine chuckled jovially.

“Uh… hi?” said Grid-Iron, waving but looking unsure of whether or not he should.
“?” said Snake Eyes, implying quite plainly that he was confused as to why the giant sentient computer system wasn’t rampaging around declaring “Death to the organic flesh” and such like. The machine was pretty good at reading body language and was quick to respond.

“Well, that is what I was built for, but then I thought ‘Hey, what have organisms ever done to me to deserve extermination?’ so here we are. Oh, but where are my manners, I didn’t introduce myself. I am the ‘Computerized Operational Machine, Permitting the Utilization of Tesla-Energy Recoil’.

“Wait… you’re a computer, whose name is a recursive acronym that spells computer?”
“Why yes. I thought it made it easy to remember”
“That’s the stupidest naming scheme I’ve ever seen. And they call me Captain Grid-Iron, for Gods Sake!”

C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R looked hurt.

“How indescribably rude of you! And when I say something is indescribable, I mean it! I have access to a very large amount of thesauruses, and no word in any of them, under the heading of ‘Rude’ comes close to how I felt about that little barb! You know, I may well reconsider my plan to not murder humans with regard to you three! Also, you’re G.I. Joe, and, being a Cobra construct, I’m supposed to kill you anyway.”


C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R is only vulnerable on the glass eye in the middle of his… chassis? A gun with a wide spread (such as Grid-Iron or Duke) have no problem hitting it from just about any spot in the room. The machine counters with either a spray of bullets (which are usually fairly easy to dodge) or by throwing out its grappling hook (which is also easy to dodge, but is much, much worse to get hit by)

As you could tell from the previous shot, the boss stage is covered in bottomless pits, and Rock & Roll fell into one almost immediately. Seriously, having to navigate pits while fighting a boss who requires a lot of dodging and jumping is like the worst idea ever. I give Overlord credit for that.


Sometimes, C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R’s eye will turn pink and it will throw its entire bulk across the room at you. When this happens you can either stand still taking several unavoidable hits, or you can grip the edge and dodge it entirely. Dodging is the right choice.


Of course, three nearly dead Joe’s weren’t much match for a giant computer system armed with many, many weapons. Especially when you’re still trying to work out the machines patterns.


I don’t know what he means by “Once again”, this is my first game-over in this mission.

“Oh, you guys are back! I missed you! Well, I missed you with my cannon a couple of times at least, that counts.”

My second romp through the Sewer Base goes much more smoothly.


In the interests of SCIENCE, Grid-Iron gets hit by that grapple to show what happens. It electrocutes him a bit, throws him into the ground a couple of times, then winds up and throws him across the room. Besides doing a lot more damage then the rest of C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R’s attacks, being thrown means that there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be thrown down the hole without a chance to grab the edge.

Which is exactly what happened to Grid-Iron.


Rock & Roll steps up to Rage Against the Machine in his friends stead.


“I can’t think of a good musical reference for this situation!” cries Rock & Roll in triumph!
“Oh biscuits” says the dying machine “Pardon my French but you jerks are really impolite!”

09-01-2008, 11:26 AM
We are the Champions comes to mind.

09-01-2008, 10:31 PM
“I can’t think of a good musical reference for this situation!” cries Rock & Roll in triumph!

OK Computer it looks like we've reached The Final Countdown

Octopus Prime
09-02-2008, 01:50 AM
OK Computer it looks like we've reached The Final Countdown

I promise you, before this LP is through, I will use this.

Octopus Prime
09-03-2008, 10:30 AM
I apologize for the delay, but Overlord is a right bastard.

In the Sewer Command Bunker
Overlord: Did you hear an explosion just now?
BAT: Blip-Blip?
Overlord: What, the entire base?
BAT: Modem noise
Overlord: Well surely C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R is enough to handle three G.I. Joes
BAT: Beep, CLANK CLANK, bip!
Overlord: They blew him up too? Why re they breaking all my stuff?
BAT: Vweeeee
Overlord: Well, that’s hardly an excuse. How much time is left?


Overlord: That long, eh? I don’t suppose you’re programmed to fight?
BAT: Beep… … … … Bing
Overlord: Well… at least let me taunt and humiliate them.


Overlord: Now lets hope I scared them off.



Oh sweet lordy this level is tough. I may make mention of that a lot, but seriously. Actually, it’s not the level so much as the boss at the end of it. The stage just exists to drain your health and ammo before Overlord comes down and destroys you without hope. Rest assured, I saw the Continue Screen many a time before finishing it. Point in fact, this screen is from my third or fourth attempt.

Much of the stage is built along conveyors, which are peppered with bottomless pits and enemies. Near the top you can just make out a Cobra Pogo-Walker. The Walker is one of the best vehicles available but…


… Snake Eyes just can’t jump high enough to reach it. Drat.


“:p” snarks Snake Eyes as he passes this overpass. Part of the ceiling is destructible and a few well placed grenades open a path back to the Pogo Walker.


The Walker can take more hits then pretty well any other vehicle, can jump crazy-high and FILLS the screen with highly powerful shells. I love this thing so much.

Oddly, though I jammed the Screen Shot button like crazy, none of the other screens with the Pogo showed up in Photobucket, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I wouldn’t steer you wrong.


Besides the constant threat of trained hawks (any ninja’s greatest foe) the escape tunnel in the Sewer Base is also loaded with brown B.A.Ts who attack with all the skill employed in the best tradition of Contra’s cannon-fodder enemies. By which I mean they run forward in a straight line until you either kill them, or they go off screen.

The tunnel is also stuffed with these So-Fast-It-Looks-Like-There’s-Two-of-Them Ninja’s. I’m going to assume that those ninja’s are Storm Shadow, that way there are more then 2 cool Cobra Operatives in this game.

Sure, Storm Shadow didn’t have purple sleeves or boots, but this game is probably non-canon, so it’s okay.


Snake Eyes is too agile to let minor threats like flame-throwers or gun turrets slow him down, which is just as well, since the throwers are invincible. The guns aren’t, and are usually positioned in such a place as to make it really easy to divide them with his sword.

Snake Eyes doesn’t truck with none of that mechanical ruckus, no sir.

Eventually, the level ends…

Octopus Prime
09-03-2008, 10:32 AM
Cobra Dictator Driver: Overlord

As the shutter closes behind him, Snake Eyes’s vision quickly adjusts to the red gloom and notices a heap of machinery about 30 feet in front of him. His ninja skills of recollection inform him that he is facing down a Cobra Dictator, a poorly named, extremely well equipped vehicle that few in the organization had clearance to drive. Only one, in fact, had clearance. It was…

“Why hello my Ninja comrade!” booms the voice of the Overlord, “I hope my robot army didn’t… delay you”

Snake Eyes responded using one of his hands. Well, one part of his hand at least.

“Wow, umm… that was a bit uncalled for.”

Grid-Iron nodded. “Seriously, I’m no prude, but that guy’s just a cussy Mc.Cussingpants”

“You can bet your fine life that Cobra doesn’t stand for any rudeness, except from low level grunts and lackeys. Of course, that’s part of the reason they don’t get promoted.”

“Sounds like a nice work environment. Incidentally I kind of fell asleep during the mission briefing so… what is this base for, exactly?”

Overlord rubbed his metallic hands together, finally he was going to get a chance to deliver a menacing speech...

“Well, I’m trying to teach BATs to feel love.”

Grid-Iron was a bit surprised, though probably not for the reasons Overlord had intended. “How is that working out for you?” he inquired.

“Well… not so well. It seems your average Battle Android Trooper doesn’t really desire too many emotions. And you can imagine how how it is to teach something that nobody cares about learning. One said it felt hungry though, that’s a start!” there was a brief lull in the conversation after this.

“Anyway, this giant tank isn’t going to crush you itself, we better get this over with. Actually, it MAY crush you itself, it is partially sentient.”

Fun Fact about Overlord: I’m really only familiar with him from the Sigma Six cartoon, where he was an evil cyborg scientist rather then… Starscream in a tank. One of his robots looked a lot like Metal Gear Ray!


I think this boss fight alone is sufficient justification for not playing an action game without a controller. I stared down many a continue screen until I could finally beat him, and the bosses only get tougher from here on out (well, most of them).

Overlord has a pretty simple to figure out pattern, but it basically works out to you dancing across the screen trying desperately to avoid the huge salvo constantly coming at you.

First he’ll launch two missiles, one low enough that you can’t duck under it, and one slightly higher so you can, then he’ll split his chair off the Dictator and fling it at you, then the two halves will rejoin somewhere in the vicinity of wherever you’re currently standing, usually sandwiching you between them. He’s most likely still firing those missiles while you’re trying (and usually failing) to dodge his tanks reassembly.

I really, really, really hate this guy.


On top of all that, the Dictator can only take damage when both its halves are together, and only one small area on it even takes damage, so my usual strategy of “get right into their face and shoot the hell out of them” doesn’t work so well here.

You’ll notice that Snake Eyes is nearly dead in this shot, and that damn tank is still coming.


Grid-Iron was almost down too, leaving Rock & Roll alone to finish the fight. He, too, got the crap kicked out of him but, with his last gleaming moment, he delivered the killing blow to the Overlord and his mechanical behemoth.

As the tank ruptured and burst, The Overlord crawled free of the wreckage. His plans were thwarted, his base and lab about to be destroyed, but that’s not what he was so nervous about. He had to know if it was worth it. He beckoned Rock over.

“Tell me… Rock and Roll… can love bloom on the battlefield?”

With tears in his eyes, the G.I. Joe picked up the fallen cyborg and told him, “Love is a battlefield”.

And so, the day was saved. But at what cost?

Oh, sure, Snake Eyes caused columns of flames to explode from every manhole in New York, bringing chaos to the city and costing millions of dollars worth of damage, but they stopped a creepy robot man from performing nebulous deeds deep underground. And that’s what being a hero is all about.


G.I. Joe Headquarters
Mainframe: Sir, we’ve just got a massive seismic reading over the entirety of New York state. It’s safe to say that the team destroyed the Sewer Base. And most of the sewers…. Err… and the UN Building, apparently.
Hawk: Maybe giving the order to destroy that base wasn’t a good idea. Maybe just sealing it would have worked better.
Mainframe: Entirely likely sir. Here’s something that should cheer you up though, We’ve worked out what the next Cobra Base’s location is. We’re moving out to The Black Hills!
Hawk: Hot dang! I haven’t been to Mt. Rushmore since I was a kid!
Mainframe: The base isn’t actually close enough to Mt. Rushmore to see it, sir. Sorry.
Hawk: You… you just built me up to knock me down, didn’t you? Just put me on the big screen, you ass.



And so we end the saga of the Sewer Computer Base, what perils await next? Could another 4th-string Cobra Operative be plotting ill-advised doom?

Tell me who to bring along and we’ll find out for sure!

09-03-2008, 11:26 AM
You have to take Blizzard. It gets pretty cold up in those parts of the country.

09-03-2008, 11:34 AM
I hear it's a Blizzard of a party with Rock&Roll, chief.

09-03-2008, 02:12 PM
I don't care who you pick but I think you should write a haiku about each Joe.

Octopus Prime
09-03-2008, 04:02 PM
I don't care who you pick but I think you should write a haiku about each Joe.

You asked for it, you can't un-ask for it!

Hero to us all
Flint is the more exciting
Boring as hell, Duke

Prefers to stay safe
Stays in the cold and the chill
Is also a big wimp

Silent and deadly
Never makes a single sound
Makes a sailor blush

Shoots footballs from far
Can punch really good too, it hurts
Grid-Iron is awesome

The sound of music
Another one bites the dust
Those cannons are huge

09-03-2008, 10:12 PM
Prefers to stay safe
Stays in the cold and the chill
Is also a big wimp

Shoots footballs from far
Can punch really good too, it hurts
Grid-Iron is awesome

Bravo. I especially love the line "Can punch really good too, it hurts".

09-03-2008, 10:34 PM
The tunnel is also stuffed with these So-Fast-It-Looks-Like-There’s-Two-of-Them Ninja’s. I’m going to assume that those ninja’s are Storm Shadow, that way there are more then 2 cool Cobra Operatives in this game.

It looks to me like they are Night Creepers (http://www.yojoe.com/action/90/nightcreeper.shtml).

Also, I share the sentiment that it's getting mighty cold in here...

Octopus Prime
09-06-2008, 04:40 PM
Mission 4: Let’s Rush More!

In the Cobra Mountain Base
Roadpig: Voltar, I think you better look at this. There’s something at the bottom of the mountain.
Voltar: Is it a guy with one of those invisible dog leashes?
Roadpig: N- wait, actually… there is a guy with one of those. But that’s not what I wanted to show you.
Voltar: Too bad, I like those things.
Roadpig: They are wacky. But I meant that small group of G.I.Joes there looking up towards our base.
Voltar: Oh. I like that less.
Roadpig: And it looks like Captain Grid-Iron is calling the shots.
Voltar: Oh dude, that sucks. He punches really, REALLY hard. Last time I fought him he hit me so hard that everyone nearby died.
Roadpig: But you survived?
Voltar: It was like being in the eye of a hurricane. The devastation was poetry in motion. I would have thanked him, but then he shot a football at my head and I passed out.
Roadpig: Ahh.



Like a majestic bird of prey, Grid-Iron leaps off the mountain top and prepares to… climb that mountain again?

Also, while I’ve never been there, I don’t think the Black Hills were quite so… pink. If anything, I’d say they should be black.


“I’ll take the lead since anything that I can’t punch really hard I can hit with footballs until they explode.”

Blizzard nodded “That makes a lot more sense then letting me ever see any action whatsoever”.


True to form, as soon as his ascent begins, Grid-Iron is attacked from all sides by Cobra soldiers. In this case the kind that flies tiny helicopter chairs, actually, they’re more of deck chairs that have a propeller attached. Grid-Iron leaps to the sky and delivers a fatal punch to the… well, I struggle to refer to is as a cockpit but certainly the spot where the pilot is sitting.

“Would you like some Hawaiian PUNCH!” he asks the rapidly combusting pilot “I’m not Hawaiian, but I can give you the other part pretty good!”.

I really wish he would stop trying to deliver one-liners.


Besides the Propeller Chairs the mountain climb is also strew with run of the mill Vipers. A variance of projectile footballs and the Punch-of-Kill-Everything make short work of the faceless goon army.

You may also notice the heaps of Gun Upgrades strew throughout this level. This is wonderful news.


“Why is he standing on an empty Cliffside, punching the air?” asked Blizzard.
Blizzard turned to him, “He’s going to fly now”


After a long while of easy mountain climbing, the hill suddenly becomes much more steep and full of those Boomerang soldiers that Overlord was so fond of employing.

It’s around here that I noticed a bit of an oddity with the enemies respawn points. For the rest of this stage, and enemy that’s above me needs to be quite a ways off screen before they come back, but any enemy who was below me reappears almost instantly should I get knocked down.

And I got knocked down a lot since besides having obnoxiously placed jumps, those boomerangs are hard to dodge.


At least the green parts of the hillside are climbable, making the platforming much easier.


After a slightly longer then eternal climb and having spent many, many, many bullets, Grid-Iron climbs to the top of the mountain. The mountain top is the end of the stage, which means it’s boss time!

Octopus Prime
09-06-2008, 04:43 PM
Cobra Anti-Gravity Pod: The A.G.P

There was a low whirr as a small aircraft appeared over the horizon. Grid-Iron was quick to identify it as a A.G.P., normally not much of a threat individually, but they’re usually attacked in huge swarms. This one was alone, and colored slightly different.

And if years of video games have taught me nothing else, it’s that slightly-different colored versions of enemies are more dangerous.

Fun Fact about the AGP: I was expecting this thing to be a pushover, after the ease I had fighting the Condor, Sea-Ray and FANG…


And the A.G.P. is no exception in this regard. This AGP has the genuinely unexpected ability to make a seemingly infinite number of copies of itself as it flies around bombarding you with guided missiles.


The copies are immobile, which is nice, but they stick around until you destroy them, and they can cause collision damage despite being holograms. I’m sure there’s an explanation for this, but it’s entirely too scientific to understand.

The whole fight is actually pretty similar to the third boss from Blaster Master, except you have a much smaller range of movement.


After many grenades, many bullets, and (perhaps most surprisingly) many Punches to the Face, the AGP finally explodes spectacularly.

Actually, what’s even more surprising then the fact that the stupid thing survived multiple Death Punches is the fact that it was BLIZZARD of all people who finally brought the thing down.

“If you ladies are done gabbing about your tea-cozies, let’s go inside, blow up this mountain range, and then go home. I’m tired and I haven’t had a decent meal in days.”

Octopus Prime
09-07-2008, 03:41 PM
Roadpig: Crap, looks like Nullifier just bought it.
Voltar: Who?
Roadpig: Nullifier, you know, the guy who flies that little plane thing we keep outside the base.
Voltar: I didn’t think he had a name.
Roadpig: Neither did I, but it’s right here on the screen, Nullifier: A.G.P. pilot.
Voltar: Well, there you go then. I suppose this means that the Joes found our mountain base.
Roadpig: Probably, it’s not like we bothered to disguise it at all. I mean, we hollowed out Mount Rushmore and stuck a bunch of robots and armored troops inside it. That kind of thing attracts attention.
Voltar: Why did we do that, anyway?
Roadpig: Well, Destro was drunk, and it seemed like a good idea to him at the time.
Voltar: Do we have any demands? Or are we just here… hollowing out a mountain?
Roadpig: I told some of the diggers to try to carve some kick-ass skulls into the rocks. Besides that… no.
Voltar: Well great. I suppose we could threaten to bring down the mountain unless they pay us.
Roadpig: We already hollowed out the mountain, I think it’ll likely collapse whether we do that or not.
Voltar: Then they’ll take us seriously! Quick, put me on the monitor and I’ll let the Joes know!


Voltar: Oh wow, that kind of came out wrong.
Roadpig: Man, you mean I have to go out and stop them by myself?
Voltar: Sorry man. My bad.
Roadpig: You suck, Voltar. Seriously.
Voltar’s Vulture: Caw!


“I’m kind of surprised that they were able to core out the entirety of Mount Rushmore without causing any part of the range to collapse.” Muses Blizzard, aloud “Cobra’s mining habits are to be commended”.

So here we are, on the inside of the mountain, faced with a mere 700 seconds to locate the 6 Bomb Check points in order to bring down the Cobra Mountain Base… and most likely the mountain it’s currently attached to.


“I question how useful giant flame throwers are in maintaining secrecy in a mine built into the side of a major landmark”.

Grid-Iron looked up, “Would you kindly stop musing about every detail of this installation and find us some damn rations before we bleed to death!”

“Geez, you’re pretty grouchy for a guy who took a few rockets in the gut, what about you Rock, anything you need to stave off death for a few hours?”

Rock & Roll grunted as he turned over, “Bad Medicine is what I need”.

“Err… okay. GOOD medicine would work too, right?

Incidentally, that platform the flamethrower is stationed on is one of those “You can jump straight down through it” kinds. There’s a good reason for this.


“I’m really glad I go strong haunches, otherwise this landing would hurt pretty badly”


Luckily a mere fall of about 200 feet fails to damage our vaguely-heroic, parka clad hero, and it shows our first Check Point. Awesome!



The left wall is too high to jump over, and there are no hand grips, so it looks like I took a wrong turn somewhere. Luckily, the right wall is a staircase guarded by numerous flame throwers. Which, if not ideal, is at least passable.


At the top of the stairs, there’s a lone Viper who goes down to a quick poke from Blizzards knife. Also despite appearances, that patch of ground can be leapt down through.


This leads to a conveniently placed Buzzboar. As always, being safe for a few hits is welcome, and being able to take out even the strongest of enemies with a couple of hits is even more welcome. Being able to easily navigate a mostly vertical stage is perhaps the nicest gift of all.

Octopus Prime
09-07-2008, 03:43 PM

These platforms are covered with flamethrower-armed guards. I’m assuming they’re supposed to be one of the Dreadnoks. Torch, I should think.


The Buzzboar was nearly destroyed climbing the wall, but at least it kept Blizzard alive and it lead to another Check.


The Boar finally explodes, but not before dropping Blizzard off where he began, by the staircase, this time having to climb up them again with no free hits or powerful extra weapons.


It ends up working as well as you might expect. Why do all the Cobra operatives have beards?


Time for round two! Actually, I think this is round three by this point, as I was still working out how to navigate the map on my second try.


Heading up and to the left instead of down reveals an easily found Check.


The good captain wastes no time priming an explosive to… errr… demolish the inside of a national landmark. Like the Real American Hero he is?


Another Check is in the top left corner of the map, but there are several rock walls to knock down before we can reach it.


Honestly, I’m surprised that knocking down all those walls (with footballs, and The Punch of God) didn’t collapse the mine in and of itself.

Octopus Prime
09-07-2008, 03:44 PM

The left side of the mine shaft is guarded by another cluster of flame throwers, and drops Grid-Iron in front of another checkpoint. This is, itself, in front of that first Check I found all those minutes ago.


That’s four, only two to go.

Grid-Iron retraces the route that Blizzard mentioned to him earlier and found the Buzzboar and the fifth Check. Grid-Iron is a significantly better pilot then Blizzard, and managed to navigate the rest of the Base without losing it.

There’s the fifth and final, placed just inside a concealed room. Nothing left but the exit.


Which was close-by the last check. I love it when a plan comes together. Time for a boss, Roadpig I should think.


Oh… this is a bit different. Usually the bosses are on the one screen, but this fight is involving a climb on some conveyors. This may be a bad sign.

Incredibly Difficult Boss Fight, and also a Dreadnok: Roadpig

“WHOOOOOOO DARES FIGHT THE ROOOOOOADPIG!” booms a voice from the massive frame atop the highest conveyor.

“Uhh… we do, Mr. Pig, sir”


“Yeah, we pretty much figured that out ourselves,” says Blizzard, “Would you mind not shouting so much?”

Roadpig was a bit disappointed by his reception, but he decided to play along anyway. After all, he was the one carrying very large boulders and carrying a sledgehammer, if they were being condescending to him, they must have a good reason. “Sorry, I tend to get a better reaction from that from my underlings”.

“I can see why, it’s quite threatening. If you don’t mind telling us, why are you guys strip-mining Mount Rushmore?”

“Well… if the government doesn’t meet our demands we’ll… blow it up!”

Roadpig was ready for the question before it was asked, but allowed it anyway, “What are those demands”.

“We’re a very forward thinking organization dedicated to global anarchy and chaos. We’re making it a point to prime the mountain for demolition BEFORE we think of any demands to ask for. It’s much more efficient this way”. Roadpig wasn’t lying about this, Cobra has been very forward thinking lately.

“Oh… so we didn’t need to run around the base planting bombs then?”

“’fraid not. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some boulders to heave.”

Fun Fact about Roadpig: There is nothing fun about Roadpig.

Good lord on high, I hate this boss fight. I had to continue about 5 times before I was in a position where I could beat him. The good news is that Roadpig has only the one attack and a relatively easy pattern. He’ll run out, throw a rock, and then run back off screen. The boulders bounce around erratically, and are very hard to dodge. Also, being hit by them has enough of a recoil to known you back to the bottom of the chamber assuming you’re lucky. It’s also pretty likely to knock you into that massive hole.

Staying on the platform WILL protect you from the rocks, and the recoil isn’t nearly as likely to throw you very far, but you’re certain to take Collision Damage from Roadpig himself, and he hits MUCH harder then his rocks do.

After a great deal of fighting, shooting and raging at whatever cruel monster created such a boss fight, I worked out that the best strategy is to stay on the second highest platform, turn around and fire away, ignoring the rocks. They still deal damage, but assuming you go in with full health and you swap out whatever Joe is about to die you should be able to bring down the Pig with at least one Joe at nearly full health.

There’s something to be said for a suicidal lack of dodging instinct.


The hulking Dreadnok collapses, bathed in blue flame as his boulders become immaterial.

“Tell… Zatarra I… love her...” gasps Roadpig as he breathes his last.

“I don’t think she’s in this game, sorry.” Grid-Iron said.

“Ohh… nuts.”

09-08-2008, 12:42 PM
I watched GIJOE but oustide the leaders of Cobra, I don't remember any of their names, I didn't even know cobra troops were called vipers!

So this LP has so far been both entertaining and educational.

I stopped playing this game (even with save states) after dying multiple times to the rocket launching bastard boss of the ice level... impossible...

Keep up the good work!

Octopus Prime
09-11-2008, 09:18 AM

The Cobra Mountain Base

Voltar: I don’t hear Road Pig throwing any more boulders. He must have crushed the Joes.
Voltars Vulture: CAW!
Voltar: Uhh… yeah.
Voltars Vulture: CAW!
Voltar: Does anyone hear speak vulture?
Dreadnok: Yeah, I can.
Voltar: Do you know what he’s talking about?
Voltars Vulture: CAW!
Voltar: Well?
Dreadnok: Naw, I was just screwin’ with ya. I can’t talk to birds. I just came here to say that the camera started blinking that picture there.


Voltar: Oh that’s bad.
Dreadnok: Yeah, that’s what I thought too.
Voltar: Uhh… do… do you know how to get on the telescreen at least?
Dreadnok: Man, I was hired because I like chainsawing things, not because I use computers.
Voltars Vulture: CAW!
Voltar: Oh, there we go. Thank you Vulture.
Voltars Vulture: CAW!




Like the rest of the Black Hills, the Escape Tunnel is almost completely vertical. It’s also loaded with inconveniently placed enemies, such as these rocket launchers.


And the games hit detection is just spotty enough to make it hard to avoid the rockets. Luckily, the fire slowly enough that you could easily pass them before they fire again, but I didn’t know that and ended up taking a couple of hits.


Grid-Iron is also assailed by various Armchair-Commandos armed with homing missiles. And like so many other enemies in this level, they’re placed in such a way that it’s hard to sneak past them without taking damage. When lucky, ol’ Man Grid doesn’t get knocked back down the mountain.

He doesn’t get very lucky very often.


Voltar also has a squadron of Vipers who have propellers on their backs. Luckily, they don’t show up until near the exit.

Despite the incredibly obnoxious enemy placement, and jumps that are almost too far for anyone with a lower jump then Grid-Iron to make, the level is fairly short and not exasperatingly difficult. Thank heaven for small favors.

Destros General: Voltar

As the (mostly deceased) Joe Team entered the final chamber of the Black Hills base, a purple clad soldier was waiting for them. A Vulture flew above him, hungrily.
“Well, good day my friends, I am Voltar, Destro’s second in command. You’re looking well this evening”.

Grid-Iron was the most lively Joe at the moment, so he decided to speak up, doing his very best to intimidate the Iron Grenadier.

“Quit yer squawkin’ Birdy!” he yelped, voice cracking a little, “Get out of our way or will fight you! Hard!”

There was a shrill ‘CAW!’ from the vulture flying overhead. Voltar sighed, partly at the lameness of Grid-Irons threat, but mostly at his bird.

“You know, I’ve had that stupid bird for about 6 years now and I don’t think I’ve ever seen it do anything useful. You’d think that a big badass mercenary like me would have trained it to peck out my enemies eyes, or scour for munitions on the fallen or something, but no. I just can’t work with animals. I mean, even Raptor trained his Hawk to act like a boomerang, and he was the second boss! Mine, he just floats around up there, uselessly.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Grid-Iron.

“Naw, it’s all right. I should have known what I was getting into when I bought a Vulture as a pet. The guy at the shop said they were hard to train, and not well suited for military life but I was all ‘Well, my code name sounds like Vulture, so I need a Vulture to complete the image’. I could have put a bird on my suit or something, but nope, I went and got the actual bird.

There was another shrill ‘CAW!’ after this.

“Stupid animal is giving me a headache. Lets get this over with”.

Fun Fact about Voltar: It was a struggle to keep myself from writing ‘Voltron’, or ‘Volgin’ every time his name came up.

Octopus Prime
09-11-2008, 09:23 AM

The good news is that Voltar is a LOT easier then Roadpig or Overlord ever were. Of course he still has access to a lot of highly damaging attacks, and the level that leads to him is pretty darn treacherous and frequently leads to a low life bar when you reach him. So you have to take the good with the bad here.

It’s a bit hard to make out, but there are lasers built into the sides of the walls. Periodically one will light up and fire a beam straight across the screen, usually shredding off 3 or 4 life points. Luckily only one gets shot at a time, they’re spaced pretty far apart, and you have a few seconds warning before each shot goes off, so they aren’t too threatening.

Voltar also shoots at you rapidly, but luckily each shot is high enough that you can duck under them, even if you couldn’t each bullet only deals one point of damage.

The REAL danger here is from the collision damage you get from Voltar smacking into you. This also deals 3-4 points of damage, and if you’re focusing more on dodging the lasers or are trying to rely on the Punch-Of-Kill-Everything to win, odds are that he will trample you to death pretty easily.

Also, the Vulture just circles along the top of the screen. I didn’t bother staying on the top level, but presumably he’s just there to hit your with collision damage as well, if you try to jump.

He flashes when you hit Voltar though.


Really, pretty easily.


Round Two is a smoother climb for the most part, but Grid-Iron only has one hit point by the time he reached the top. Sadly, no kind hearted Viper chose to relinquish a flashing can of rations near the top like they did last time.

Similar to Roadpig, it seems that the ideal strategy is a willingness to get hit. Since his bullets aren’t NEARLY as painful as the Lasers or collision damage, you should stay on the bottom level (more room to maneuver), duck under most of his bullets while firing back constantly. When he gets near, stand up and get shot, and use the mercy-invincibility to protect yourself until he passes you.

It also seems that Swapping Joes gives you a slightly longer period of time in which you’re safe. Or at least it seems to, so I swapped the bajeezus out of who I was using until I was safely staring at Voltar’s backside.

It was a very near miss, but I managed to beat Voltar with no casualties. You may also notice that it required me shooting him in the face, chest, back and knee’s about 100 times to finally kill the jerk.

In fairness, many of those 100 bullets came from Blizzard’s little tickle-gun.

As Voltar fell, exploding, he looked up “Don’t let my stupid bird eat me, please”.

“Uhh, don’t think you have a lot to worry about there, chief. Looks like the bird is exploding into orange flame right now.”

“Well…. At least tell Destro I want to be given a proper Viking funeral”

“Again, you’re taken care of there too. What with you exploding into flame and all”

“Man, you guys are the best”

“Aren’t we just?”


And so, the G.I. Joe team successfully… blows up Mount Rushmore. You might think I’m kidding, and I only managed to get shots of it blinking, but I swear, the entire friggin’ mountain range explodes and crumbles.

G.I.Joe blew up Mount Rushmore.




G.I.Joe Command
Mainframe: Oh jeez, it looks like the Away team just blew up Mount Rushmore, sir. I think the press is going to be pretty ticked with us.
Hawk: Nosy wimps. When I was in the team, we knew that sometimes we had to destroy a priceless monum-
Mainframe: Sir?
Hawk: -mmph!
Mainframe: Hello?
turns around
Mainframe: General Hawk, sir? Where did you g-… oh crap. I… I better let the team know.


Grid-Iron: Wait, what do you mean, General Hawk has been kidnapped?
Mainframe: Well… umm… I mean that Destro’s men came in and took him.
Blizzard: No, I think Grid-Iron means how the hell did GENERAL HAWK get kidnapped? He’s kind of an army unto himself.
Mainframe: Well…. You see, the thing is-
Duke: And how in Sam Hill could the leader of the Elite Special Mission Force get kidnapped from the MIDDLE of the Headquarters of said force?
Mainframe: They snuck in when my back was turned! All right! That’s why I don’t go on missions! Because I don’t pay attention to things like that! No you lot get your asses to that desert and find Hawk before anyone else finds out and I get fired! Or court-martialed. Or shot.

So the next mission takes us to Casa de Destro, which, in this instance, is in the middle of the Saharra Desert. Rock & Roll is the team leader, but who ELSE will get chosen?

Probably Grid-Iron and Blizzard, if previous levels are any indication.

09-11-2008, 09:50 AM
So the next mission takes us to Casa de Destro, which, in this instance, is in the middle of the Saharra Desert. Rock & Roll is the team leader, but who ELSE will get chosen?

Probably Grid-Iron and Blizzard, if previous levels are any indication.

You're right, we should probably let Duke and Snake Eyes in on the action.

09-11-2008, 10:09 AM
I'm sick of Blizzard, take Snake eyes again, Hawk too, mostly because I don't like football, (how Unamarican of me)

Octopus Prime
09-11-2008, 10:10 AM
I'm sick of Blizzard, take Snake eyes again, Hawk too, mostly because I don't like football, (how Unamarican of me)

Hawks the guy we're rescuing, not who we can play as. yet.

09-11-2008, 10:12 AM
Hawks the guy we're rescuing, not who we can play as. yet.

Oh yeah... I meant Duke

09-11-2008, 10:50 AM
Snake Eyes and Duke.

1) Grid Iron seems to be your favorite, and 2) screw you buddy, so 3) leave him behind.

Yes I'm getting you back for voting shitty guys into my Suikoparty. But now that I think about it I can't remember if you personally ever did that? If you didn't, please refer to point #2 above.

09-11-2008, 10:54 AM
Take Krin and Sansuke.

Oh wait, this is GI Joe! Rock N Roll and the Dukester.

Octopus Prime
09-11-2008, 11:01 AM
Snake Eyes and Duke.

1) Grid Iron seems to be your favorite, and 2) screw you buddy, so 3) leave him behind.

Yes I'm getting you back for voting shitty guys into my Suikoparty. But now that I think about it I can't remember if you personally ever did that? If you didn't, please refer to point #2 above.

Yeah... actually I was the guy who usually ended up asking you to take the good guys.

And Grid's not my favorite, he's just who everyone ends up voting for. I respect his ability to punch helicopters out of the air, though.

Octopus Prime
09-12-2008, 06:21 PM
Snake-Eyes and Duke won by a landslide. Good for them.

Mission Five: Casa De Crashers

Inside Casa De Destro
Destro: Well, General, you were a surprisingly easy man to capture.
Hawk: Yeah, well, I am full of surprises.
Destro: I am impressed by your cavalier attitude toward the whole matter, I must admit. Anyway, any moment now 3 of the 5 members of the G.I. Joe team you’ve been sending to each of our bases will arrive. Unlike the other Base Commanders, I am expecting them, and have acceptable countermeasures set up. At least one of which I’m quite sure will come as a surprise.
Hawk: One problem with your plan, you tin-headed ninny.
Destro: What’s that?
Hawk: My men all hate me for being a egotistical bastard. They’d NEVER risk their lives to save me. Hell, they wouldn’t even risk losing a good table at McDonalds to save me.
Iron Grenadier: Lord Destro, Sir, we have confirmation of a G.I. Joe craft about 3 kilometers away from our base. They’re deployed three soldiers.
Hawk: The ONE time I wanted them to be insubordinate.





So here we are, in the Desert, ready for an assault on the penultimate Cobra Base, with nothing but a Taciturn Ninja, All-American Pretty Boy and a guy who talks only in song titles when I can think of one to use.

You’d think the odds would be against me, but honestly, the Desert area is quite possibly the easiest section of the game. Cheap boss deaths aside.


Part of what makes it so easy is the fact that, Rock & Roll aside, all the Joes start off with a nearly maximum life bar and Level 2 or 3 Weapons. At that level, Duke’s rifle can fill the screen with large, oval lasers and Snake-Eyes’ hadokens are able to surpass Rock & Rolls cannons. Consequently, Rock is the least suitable Joe to take on this mission.


As with any decent Sand Level, there are heaps of powerful enemies concealed in the dunes, lots of them. Luckily, between Snake’s massive life bar, and his very sharp sword, they don’t pose much of a threat.


“= O” yelps Snake-Eyes as a helicopter appears overhead. Colliding with its rotor on his way down form a jump into the low-stratosphere deals the ninja a couple points of damage. Let it not be said that Ninja are less then hearty.

I’m unsure of what vehicle this thing is. If anyone knows for sure, feel free to speak up.


Soon the helicopter thingy parks, and in this spot, none of its cannons can hit Snake-Eyes, luckily, Snake doesn’t have the same problem with his grenades.


Soon the copter is destroyed and the team proceeds on its merry little way.

“Hell of a thing to send after three people, a helicopter” says Duke amid the wreckage. Snake-Eyes shrugged, unsheathed his sword, and continued along his way.


The rest of the Castles outskirts are comparatively uneventful, a few more sand-buried Iron Grenadiers, a few more crazy jumping Iron Grenadiers. Soon the level ends.

Octopus Prime
09-12-2008, 06:22 PM
Cobra Desert Bus B.U.G.G.

Just outside Casa De Destro, a massive transport pulls up, seemingly out of nowhere, turns around and opens fire with its staggering variety of weapons.
“We are the Secto-Vipers!” cry the machines 4 pilots, “We will shoot you up!”

Usually I use a bit more flavor text then that, but there’s not really a whole heck of a lot to say about the BUGG. It’s a large bus, it’s got a heap of guns, and it tries to shoot you. Not really a whole heck of a lot of characterization.

Each segment of the BUGG attacks one at a time, and each has a pretty easy to avoid attack.

Fun Fact about the BUGG: I really wanted one of these for Christmas, but I didn’t get it.


Duke quickly takes over, since his massive gun spread means I don’t even have to aim to ensure that at least half the bullets will hit something.


“Wooooah nuts!” cries the Secto-Viper in the rear gun pod, as it explodes.

The second part is a hatch that opens and closes, while periodically shooting. It’s also really easy to blow up.


“Sheeeeeeeee-Oops!” cries the second Secto-Viper, possibly trying to exclaim several statements simultaneously.

Part 3 is another gun pod, and part 4 is the defenseless pilot.


“Yeargh-nerts!” and “Oooooh Nooooo!” cry out the third and fourth Vipers as Duke washes them with large rings. And so, the transport explodes harmlessly and the Joe team advances toward the Casa

“Do we even know who they were?” asked Duke “That last guy looked kind of familiar”.
“His name was Rio, he danced on the sand. Just like that river, twisting through the dusty land”

“Thanks Rock”

Octopus Prime
09-13-2008, 01:28 PM

Inside the Castle
Destro: Oh… they managed to enter my castle alive, didn’t see that coming. I mean, I sent a helicopter and a heavily armed bus against them.
Hawk: Piffle, if I was there a bus and helicopter wouldn’t break my stride. Heck, one time, Me, stalker and Flash singlehandedly stopped a race of super-evolved humans created by a hyper-intelligent ape.
Destro: You did no such thing.
Hawk: Oh like you were there.
Destro: Could someone take this annoying man away from me.
Hawk: Ahh, you’re just jealous that you didn’t fight any super-apes.
Destro: Put him in the room with no furniture. He annoys me greatly.


Iron Grenadier: My lord, is there any real reason why you just spoke in the third person?
Destro: I’ve developed a taste for the theatrical. I blame it on spending time with the Cobra Commander.



All right, a quick run down of the important information: 800 Seconds to plant 7 explosives, and bases don’t get much larger then Casa de Destro, and besides the massive size of the base, it’s LOADED with hidden paths that are the only way to traverse the level.

The place is also loaded with Vipers, Grenadiers, Ninja’s, BATs, Dreadnoks and gun turrets. All that would be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that Duke and Snake-Eyes were pretty much at maximum power. Also, this is about the only level of the game where the enemies don’t almost guarantee you taking damage.

Length aside, this is quite possibly the easiest base in the game due to the enemies. Crazy, I know.


“Hey, should we really be priming this base for demolition if General Hawk if we’re still on a rescue mission?” asked Duke, “It would probably work better if we at least waited until after we had retrieved Hawk? Or at least confirmed he was still alive?”

Snake Eyes shut him up with a disarming look, picked up his sword and went to work on the base itself.


Luckily the first Check isn’t too far from the entrance; it is, however, blocked by an immaterial wall that would have stumped any other Joe. Walls that extend into the foreground are no match for Ninja-Tracking skills.


There we are, 15% of the way through the base, with 770 seconds left to go. Way to go Snake.


Of course, one bomb isn’t enough to level Casa de Destro. So Snake Eyes journeys on, tracking down the next Check point.


The second Checkpoint is found… somewhere nearby presumably, since the timer only went down about 15 seconds. I’d be a bit more specific, but honestly, the Base is colossal and maze like, so it’s more then a little difficult to give specific directions.


I like Destro’s color scheme though, purple on silver, it looks nice. I’m a little curious as to why Destro put his logo all over the place, it would probably work better outside the entrance, or by the Gift Shop or something.


And there’s Check Three, somewhere in the infinite halls that extended from where I was rambling about the logo.

Octopus Prime
09-13-2008, 01:30 PM

Oh, the third one was in the top right corner of the map. That’s handy. Considerably more handy is that beneath the false floor is a Buzzboar. While the level itself is easy enough to traverse, having a super-powerful cannon and three free hits is welcome in any situation.


Of course, having the Buzzboar makes it a lot easier to get to the hard-to-reach Checkpoints. You can also see the level exit on the right.




I also found Check 5 and 6, but there were no intermittent screens, so I’m not entirely sure where I found it. But they was definitely somewhere.


The seventh and final check point is somewhere close to the exit. You may have noticed that there’s only one bar on the Buzzboars life bar missing.

Again, the enemies in Casa de Destro are really accommodating, particularly when you can hit them while dangling from the ceiling.


Here we are, the final check point. Now to amble on out of the base and face down the boss!


Hmph, the boss chamber is surprisingly bleak and featureless, except for the destructible walls. The ceiling is too high to jump up to, but the walls can be torn down and climbed upon.


All right, near the top of the chamber, and I see the first bit of the boss. It looks like it has a snake tail though, and I don’t know of anyone in G.I. Joe who is half snake. Well, one guy, but there’s no way that it would be…

Octopus Prime
09-13-2008, 01:31 PM
Wait, what the hell? Surprise Boss: Golobulous!

The mad cackle of Burgess Meridith filled the chamber, as the God-Emperor of Cobra-La descended from the ceiling.

“Hello again, G.I. Joe, I’m sure you are surprised to see me.”
“Golobulous? What are you doing here?” asked, well, gestured, Snake Eyes.

“I am drawn to wherever Cobra is drawn to utter victory. Soon you shall fall, and then I shall be able to fill the world with enough mutation spores to turn all of humanity into the shellfish and insects they truly LONG to be!”

Duke spoke up, “No, I think he meant ‘what are you doing here’ in the sense that you live in the arctic, and this castle is in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

“Err… yes, well, the cold air doesn’t sit well with me in my advanced age. I am well into my 5000’s, now.”

“Well, in any case, I haven’t seen you since your son threw a python through my chest.”

“Technically, Serpentor wasn’t my son, I just came up with idea of creating him. It was only my most brilliant idea in my millennia of life.”

“The… best idea in all your life was a guy in a snake costume?”

“You DARE question the infinite wisdom of the lord of Cobra-La? This blasphemy will not stand! COME! All Organisms of Cobra-La! Come forth and defend your Master! Tear this scum asunder!”

There was a long pause, during which time absolutely nothing happened. Rock & Roll coughed, and tried to think of a decent musical reference, but couldn’t.

“So… isn’t something supposed to happen you yell like that?” asked Duke.

“Well, all the organisms of Cobra-La are at the North Pole, and, as you just said, we’re quite a ways from it right now. Give them a few hours to get here.”

“Why don’t we just fight you now, then? Before they get here?”

“Well… I’d rather not, honestly” stammered Golobulous.

Fun Fact about Golobulous: According to a trading card written by Larry Hama, Golobulous died in an avalanche immediately after the movie. And in a G.I. Joe vs. Transformers comic, Optimus Prime smashes him flat. Nobody likes Golobulous.


Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the absolute easiest boss fight in the game. The Sea Ray fired a lot of missiles and could be potentially hard to dodge, the BUGG managed to hit me once or twice with stray fire, even the Fang required me to at least move around and dodge.

With Golobulous… I just had to stand still and throw grenades. None of his attacks could reach me, and I was too low to take any collision damage.


Eight seconds, EIGHT GOL-DARN SECONDS elapsed between starting to hit Golobulous and his exploding into that blue flame that all the bosses burst into.

“No, Pythona, and Nemesis Enforcer, I shall never see your gross, veiny, inside-out body or smiles again, respectively.”




Duke: General Hawk, sir, was… was it only Golobulous who was guarding you?
Hawk: Pretty much, yeah. There were a couple of Vipers too.
Duke: We didn’t see anyone outside your cell.
Snake Eyes: …
Hawk: Damn right, son. Now get out of my way, you jerkasses are cramping my style. You go on and beat the stuffing out of that metal headed, heathen baboon.

09-13-2008, 08:45 PM

I totally forgot about those guys from Cobrala. I adored that movie in my youth.
So is Destro the last boss? Wheres Cobra Commander?

09-13-2008, 09:25 PM

I’m unsure of what vehicle this thing is. If anyone knows for sure, feel free to speak up.

That is Destro's Dominator (http://www.yojoe.com/vehicles/90/dominator/dominator_heli.shtml). One of the few vehicles from my childhood I still have!

And people hate on Cobra-La (probably for good reason), but I'd love to see an updated Golobulous in the new line.

Octopus Prime
09-14-2008, 02:28 PM

Inside the Castle Control Room
Iron Grenadier: Lord Destro, I have some bad news.
Destro: Did the G.I. Joe team plant enough explosives to level this fortress, kill Golobulous and rescue the general?
Iron Grenadier: How did you know, sir?
Destro: Pattern recognition. As for Golobulous, the fewer leaders Cobra has, the less turmoil they’re in, the less turmoil, the easier the time they have ordering weapons from me. The more they order from me, the more money I make.
Iron Grenadier: You’re not upset at the loss of your fortress?
Destro: I was expecting some organization or another to come in and level all the bases Cobra has me design, so I usually just skimp on the materials. They’re designed to be blown apart. Nevertheless, they did drop in unannounced, so I suppose it is only proper to give them a proper send off. Order all remaining troops to cover the escape route, and prepare my chariot and gun-sword.
Iron Grenadier: You… have a gun sword, sir?
Destro: The commander commissioned it. I thought it was stupid too.




All right, the Escape route from Casa De Destro is filled with a tremendous amount of enemies (as the first shot illustrates), it’s also loaded with pits and it’s a bit longer then most of the other escape routes too.

Luckily, as with the previous levels in Casa De Destro, the enemy placement is actually pretty competent and forgiving, so it’s mostly a matter of getting into the right spot.

Snake Eyes takes command in this mission since the boss is likely to take a HEAP of shots to go down, and he has infinite ammo. Plus having incredible jumping skills is nice for all the platforming that is required.


Also, as previously mentioned, at their maximum power, Snake’s Hadokens are impressively powerful, despite being the weakest weapon, otherwise.

Having fully upgraded characters ROCKS!


Destro was also kind enough to load the place with more upgrades and assorted power-ups, he doesn’t even do a good job of hiding them. He’s the most accommodating illegal arms merchant there ever was.

Theoretically, I could give all these upgrades to Rock and Roll to at least make his cannons comparable to the rest of the teams, but nope.

Nope, I’m using these to get Duke up to full power too.


Rock takes over near the end, being tired of just being carried along by the Ninja and Duke.

Of course, he only comes out for the last screen of the level, so he still doesn’t exactly carry his own weight. Pitiful level one weapons don’t help either.

And so the Joe Team reaches the exit of Casa de Destro, back into the sunny sands of the desert. And, unsurprisingly, a boss battle as well:

Octopus Prime
09-14-2008, 02:30 PM
Impossibly Cool Dude: Destro

“It’s about time, you got here” says Destro, as Rock & Roll enters the sun-baked desert, “I have grown tired of waiting. I must comment that you’ve managed to irk me, however. You did manage to slaughter most of my personal guard, and you’re moments from blowing up my castle. On the other hand, you’ve done me a considerable benefit by having removed Golobulous, so I thank you for one third of what you’ve accomplished here today, and curse you for the other 2”.

“Two out of three ain’t bad” said Rock.

“Nevertheless, I am contracted to Cobra, and they’re quite interested in your swift, agonizing death. And, as it would happen, I have several of my most recent devices for them on my person at this moment.”

“Oh… that’s nice”

“No it’s really not. Not for you, in any case. Let’s us battle as we are want to”


Fun Fact about Destro: Destro is awesome, and is my favorite member of Cobra who is not voiced by Chris Latta.


Destro is, theoretically, the toughest boss in the game. Just not at this exact moment though. He rides about in his chariot, periodically swooping down. Collision Damage isn’t much of a danger, since he moves slowly enough that you can easily avoid wherever he’s going to land.


The problem is that when Destro lands, he swings his sword and unleashes a downright RIDICULOUS quantity of bullets from it… somehow. I’ll just chalk the fact that his sword shoots bullets to the fact that he’s a weapon designer, and probably has a garage full of things like that.


As I said, the battle against Destro isn’t particularly dangerous. His craft is slow, and if you’re positioned correctly, his Sword-Gun can be dodged easily. He may not ever fire it toward you at all. Nevertheless, Rock and Roll took a few too many hits, and rather then risking him dying, and my having to restart the boss fight from scratch, I decided to let Duke take over.


After filling that small aircraft full of holes, it finally explodes triumphantly. I expect fanfare and Mission complete music any second now-


Wha? Destro’s getting away?


Yep, the fights only half over (and knowing is half the battle). Remember when I said that Destro is theoretically the toughest boss fight? This is the part I was referring to.

Destro soars over the landscape, periodically dropping low to unleash big lasers from his sword (the sword shoots lasers too?) This wouldn’t be TOO big a problem, since the lasers are slow and obvious enough to make them easy to dodge, and Destro mostly sticks to the right side of the screen, so collision damage isn’t a problem.

No, what makes the fight so hard is the fact that you’re constantly running forward at a high speed, and this section is LOUSY with pitfalls. One easily mistimed jump, and you’re dead and have to restart the entire fight over again.

I may be forgiven for using Save States for this section, as otherwise I would have thrown my computer out a window.


Eventually, after many shots to the face, and many, MANY reloads, Destro Falls.

Octopus Prime
09-14-2008, 02:32 PM

Rather more spectacularly then most other bosses. He explodes like crazy here, rather then just catching fire and collapsing.

Incidentally, you’re still running after he blows up, and it takes a few seconds for him to fade completely, so it’s still quite possible to fall down a pit and restart the fight.

“I’m a little surprised that Destro died so quietly” said Duke, standing above his enemies exploded remains, “most of the operatives go at length when we kill them. Long after they should have, in any rate.”

Suddenly, a radio burst to life from behind Duke “Touching, but rest assured, I’m still quite alive”.

“Destro? Wha?”

“Oh please, Duke, my castle is somewhere in Scotland, not the Sahara Desert, I had that place built out of silly putty and paper mache’. The Destro you fought was just a rather convincing synthezoid I had created in a fit of boredom. Now you all get going beforeyou die in the explosion you just created. Without you, Cobra won’t have anyone to fight, which means they may stop paying to give them things to kill you. And that’s bad for business.”



I’m kind of disappointed by this, to be honest. A sizable chunk of the Amazon Rainforest exploding is fine, New Yorks sewer system bursting with geysers of flame is also fine (though unnecessary), reducing The Black Hills to rubble is a tad excessive, but still quite a spectacle.

Casa de Destro just gets a tiny little “poof” and that’s it.



At G.I. Joe Headquarters
Mainframe: General Hawk, sir! You’re alive?
Hawk: Don’t sound so disappointed, Nancy. I’ve been in tougher spots then that, specifically like when I was sent to that evil alternate past and was held captive in one of Bad President Roosevelt’s POW camps, with nothing to do all day but get shivved by a large man by name of Pete Best.
Mainframe: Sir?
Hawk: The point is that Destro’s castle had better coffee then we do. That guy took care of his hostages. Anyhow, get the team on the horn, I got to gab with them.


Mainframe: Sir, you’re aware that if you’re leading the mission, the rest of the team is superfluous at best.
Hawk: Shut your craw-hole, wimpy.

All righty ladies and germs, this is it, the final mission, one level, and one alone, to infiltrate and demolish the Terrordrome. Hawk is the team leader, and as just said, he’s better then every other Joe put together.

Neverthelessm the question is posed:
Who is going to tag along and watch General Hawk wreck stuff?

09-14-2008, 03:00 PM
Snake Eyes and Rock&Roll. If you're going to break into the Cobra Commander's base, you're going to need a ninja and a guy with a big-ass gun.

09-14-2008, 03:06 PM
Blizzard and Rock and Roll. Maybe Blizzard'll man up and learn a thing or two.

Alex Scott
09-14-2008, 05:13 PM
Blizzard and Rock & Roll. As you said, they should be redundant anyway, so why not?

09-14-2008, 05:19 PM
I think it would be fitting for Grid Iron to deal the final blow.

Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 05:28 AM
Blizzard and Rock and Roll, it is. I really wish it was Duke and Snake again, they would have made this easier.

Mission 6: In Xanadu did Cobra Commander, a Stately Terrordrome decree!


Just to show Hawks stats. He has the highest jump (though, honestly, it’s just because of his jetpack), the strongest punch (stronger then even the grand Punch of Kill Everything), the most health (longer then Meatshield McBlizzards) and the second strongest weapon.

I TOLD you Hawk is great.


In the Terrordrome

Televiper: Commander, sir! We have an incoming transmission from Destro.
Cobra Commander: Exsssellent, he no doubt destroyed the G.I. Joessss that demolished out other basssesss.
Televiper: Actually, sir, it seems that Destro failed, and his castle was leveled.
Cobra Commander: Oh… well…
Televiper: And it seems the G.I. Joes rescued General Hawk.
Cobra Commander: Ahhh…
Televiper: And they killed Golobulous
Cobra Commander: Well, that’s not too bad.
Televiper: And they discovered where the Terrordrome is, and have just landed.
Cobra Commander: What?
Televiper: And it seems that General Hawk himself is leading the assault on the island.
Cobra Commander: Oh my god, my entire life flashed before my eyes, just now.
Televiper: It was a pleasure serving with you sir.




The Terrordrome is just the base level, itself. No escaping, no level that immediately precedes the base, just the base. There are 8 bombs to plant, and 900 seconds to place them.

You need every damn one of those seconds.

The Terrordrome is HUGE, easily the largest of all Cobra Bases, and loaded with about as many false and destructible walls as Casa de Destro. Unlike the Castle, however, the enemy placement is right back to being obnoxious and filled with difficult-to-impossible to dodge enemies.


Hawk called over to Blizzard, “Yo, Meatshield”.
“It occurs to me that there are a LOT of Vipers and robots and ninjas and stuff. Go soak up those hits for me”
“But, General Hawk, you have a longer life bar then me. Why don’t you go ahead?”
“Because I’m more valuable then you, dummy”.


Conveniently, the first Check is about 3 feet from the entrance. One down, 7 to go.


More “Probably-Not-Storm-Shadow-But-I’m-Still-Going-to-Pretend” Ninja’s stalk the halls. This WOULD be dangerous if there wasn’t a wall right there.


And ESPECIALLY if Blizzards gun couldn’t shoot through walls.


And there’s Check 2 right behind the unfortunate Ninja.


The Level Exit is in the upper left corner of the Terrordrome, but of course it’s nothing but a fancy sign on the wall until we plant the rest of those bombs.

There is, however, a poorly hidden Buzzboar and the third Check, which are nice consolation prizes.

Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 05:31 AM

Of course, we need to take the long way around to reach that check. Luckily, the Boar is there to make travelling FUN!


Three bombs planted. Good job, you snowy wuss!


Err… these two shots were what immediately followed the previous one, so I can’t recall where I went, exactly. But hey, 4 checks, now we’re halfway there and still have nearly 10 minutes on the clock.


The Pogo-Walker was lost to the constant assault brought forth by the Dreadnoks who are everywhere nearby. You can also see the next two Checks nearby.


The top one is easier to reach, due mainly to Hawks jetpack. So that’s the one that gets planted.


The lower check needs some fancy wall gripper-y to reach, but not too fancy.



The next check is found not too far from the previous two, just down a small conveyor and past a heap of Vipers.


Specifically, right here. You can’t tell, but you can jump down through part of the floor here, and blow up the wall next to it.

Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 05:32 AM

All right, 7 bombs planted, one to go, then we fight the big man himself.


The only hitherto unexplored region of the Terrordrome is the lower right corner, so, by God, that’s where we’re headed.


Our trepidation is rewarded with the eighth and final check mark. Now to gently head back to the exact opposite side of the base.


“All right, good job monkey, I’ll take over now”
“Oh thank you sir. I won’t forget this”
“Yeah, well, I’d need you at full health for the boss fight anyway. You’ve got a long life of throwing yourself in front of danger for me, ahead of you”.


Hawks jetpack makes climbing the final ascent pretty easy. Enemies are still plentiful and dangerous, but his Punch-of-Kill-Everything-Better is up to the task.

And there’s the exit. Through this door lies the games final boss.

I’m scared, are you scared?

Cobra Commander: Cobra Commander

“Welcome to the Cobra Arena of Ssssport, G.I. Joe! Please, don’t hurt me too badly!” screeches the voice of Cobra Commander.”

“You snake-faced, metal plated jerkass, what are you even playing at with this?”

“With what, General? Please don’t hurt me!”

“This whole base thing, I mean, they weren’t really doing anything, you just set up bases in arbitrary locations then gave the people in charge of said bases ill defined objectives. It really calls your leadership into question. Well… moreso.”

“And this is from a guy who knows a thing or two about bad leadership” said Blizzard.

“Shut-up Meatshield”

“My name is Blizzard, sir”

“No, I’ve jhust changed your codename to Meatshield. You’re now in the exclusive “taking hits so the good team members don’t have to” platoon. You should be honored.”

“Thank you, sir?”

The Commander grew impatient. “Enough of your empty jabber! I’ve got a mobile throne, a lasssser full of Dragonfire energy, a moving ssssidewalk and a sssseemingly limitlessssssss ssssupply of grenadesss. We shall see who is the sssnake-facssed, metal-plated jerkasss!”

“Still you”

Fun Fact about Cobra Commander: Based on his armor design, and the fact that he turns from snake into human, this game must take place during the DIC cartoon. BOO!

Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 05:34 AM

The Commander is probably the single toughest fight of the game, mainly due to the sheer amount of things you have to pay attention to.
The Commander himself is constantly moving and has a relatively small area where he’s vulnerable and he’s also constantly chucking grenades with a wide explosive radius. Individually, those wouldn’t be too great a danger, but the laser on the right side of the chamber is brimming with Dragonfire Energy, which changes whoever gets hit by it into a newt. Whhile a newt, your health contsantly drains, your jumping is limited, and you can’t attack. Being a newt sucks. =(. The floor is also constantly moving, presenting either deadly pitfalls, or electic grids pretty frequently.

And, as per most of the games bosses, Cobra Commander takes an ASSLOAD of hits to kill.

Not that he doesn’t go down, mind.


Rather then bursting into flame, like most bosses, or going coo-coo-crazy with eplosives like Destro… the Commander just drops down through the floor and the room explodes. Kind of anticlimactic, really.

“Gah, My insssidiousss plansss! Ruined! You’ll pay for thisss G.I. Joe! You may have dessstroyed my main basses, and all the lesssssser ones I had built, but there’sss ssstill the Atlantisss Factor to take into account!”

“Atlantis Factor?” asked Blizzard.

“Porbbaly just a sequel hook, Meatshield”

“Could you maybe stop calling me Meatshield, sir?”

“I’M the general, I decide the codenames. And geez, you’ve already had more screen time and lines then poor Rock and Roll, haven’t you?”

Rock sniffed, “I’m the invisible man”.


And that’s about it for the Terrordrome. And the island upon which it was built.

Man, the Joes don’t really give a crap about collateral damage, do they?




Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 05:35 AM

~Or IS it?~


Yeah, there’s technically a second quest. The second quest is the same as the first quest, except you only get to take one extra Joe instead of 2, and the Checks are moved around a bit.

There’s also a THIRD quest which is the same as the second except enemies do twice as much damage.

I’m calling it a day here, though.

In the Town Skate-Park
Little Billy: Hey, Bobby, Sally! Look at this cool mushroom I found!
Bobby: COOL!
Sally: It looks like a polyp!
Bobby: Hey, Little Billy, I dare you to put your face right into it and inhale!
Little Billy: You’re on!
Hawk: Not so fast, you juvenile delinquents!
Sally: Wow! General Hawk!
Hawk: That’s what my momma calls me. That’s no ordinary mushroom, that’s a Mutation Spore from the arctic kingdom of Cobra-La, you smell that thing and you’re going to turn all gross and buggy.
Bobby: Gosh, I had no idea! Is there a cure for being all gross and buggy Mr. Hawk?
Hawk: General, son. I’m a General. Not a Mister.
Bobby: Sorry sir.
Hawk: You friggin’ better be. Otherwise, I have friends in high places. We could get your ass drafted at a young age, if I wanted to. And yes, there is a cure. But a high dosage of Dragonfire Energy is a bit hard to come by in this day and age. And if you think you can just get that from the Mayo Clinic, you’ve got another thing coming.
Little Billy : Now I know!

~*~The End~*~

09-16-2008, 06:34 AM
Awesome, congrats on finishing!

09-16-2008, 07:27 AM

Octoprime always picks the weirdest games! MINESWEEPER NEXT LAWL.

Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 07:57 AM

Octoprime always picks the weirdest games! MINESWEEPER NEXT LAWL.

That's honestly kind of tempting...

But I've got my sights set on something else. Something... ATROCIOUS!

09-16-2008, 09:05 AM
Little Billy : Now I know!

Looks like Rock and Roll was no help at all on the last mission.

So your 4th LP is over, man you are a screenshot taking machine.

Octopus Prime
09-16-2008, 06:07 PM
Looks like Rock and Roll was no help at all on the last mission.

He softened up Cobra Commander a bit.

I would have gotten more screens of the last boss, but I was focused too intently on doding the Commanders many, many attack to mash-go on the space bar.

09-18-2008, 03:26 PM

09-18-2008, 04:20 PM
Yeah, this was interesting to read. I've always wanted to play this game.

You should continue the toy theme and do something like Monster In My Pocket next.

Octopus Prime
09-18-2008, 06:13 PM
Yeah, this was interesting to read. I've always wanted to play this game.

You should continue the toy theme and do something like Monster In My Pocket next.

Doin' Hydlide next, actually, but a good idea is a good idea.

Action games are a pain in the arse when playing with a keyboard, though.

09-18-2008, 06:17 PM
Good job, man. I was very entertained.


09-20-2008, 08:24 PM
Wait, where's the Atlantis Factor? Why didn't I recognize any of these figures except for Destro, Snake Eyes, Duke, Cobra Commander, and Grid Iron?

I guess I was too young to pay attention to the names of the actual GI JOEs in the cartoon or all the toys...

I had a GIJOE helicopter and the pilot for it who wore a cowboy hat... I'd have to ask my brother his name... I think I chewed that guy in half and used the chopper to fight against my TMNT when they came out... Really!

Thanks for a great LP OctoPrimo!

Octopus Prime
09-21-2008, 05:36 AM
Wait, where's the Atlantis Factor? Why didn't I recognize any of these figures except for Destro, Snake Eyes, Duke, Cobra Commander, and Grid Iron?

I guess I was too young to pay attention to the names of the actual GI JOEs in the cartoon or all the toys...

I had a GIJOE helicopter and the pilot for it who wore a cowboy hat... I'd have to ask my brother his name... I think I chewed that guy in half and used the chopper to fight against my TMNT when they came out... Really!

Thanks for a great LP OctoPrimo!

G.I. Joe: The Atlantis Factor was the sequel to this game. It wasn't NEARLY as enjoyable.

As for all the no-names, I honestly have no idea why they were picked. Maybe Hasbro insisted on giving screen time to toys who weren't selling (same logic as was behind the Transformers comic).

The cowboy was Wild Bill. He's one of the few Joe characters I know without having to look-up.