Cassette Beasts: yo wanna check out my pokérap mixtape

[Kirin]

its Angelic Attack, Frustrum Cull

I love this so much. (Frustum culling is a 3D computer graphics concept that basically discards all objects outside an intended viewing area.) And of course it’s color scheme is RGB.

Feels like this guy and some of the other angels really need animated gifs or something to fully appreciate. I suppose I could probably find a YouTube compilation or something.

 

[Kalir]

ALICE
WONDERLAND'S EXILED QUEEN

The style changes don't stop, do they? Alice here has a design that looks almost kinda like a humanoid figure made from cutout art (with a special focus on the kind of art one might see on playing cards) but with a few details that add even more of the "incorrect" vibe we've come to expect of the Archangels. Like, say, the iconic heart replacing her entire face, or the isolated black wing sticking right out of her middle, or the foot that looks more like a lamp. In a way, it's like Alice wanted to represent herself as a beautiful princess, but only had the same kind of understanding of the concepts involved as a LLM. Which is cool (when it's done intentionally like this). However, despite what the name and title imply, this particular Alice has more in common with the Queen of Hearts than with Lewis Carroll's curious protagonist. As the incarnation of ego, Alice delights in having visitors to her domain, insofar as they can be toyed with to her heart's content and then freely discarded afterwards. To that end, her domain is full of the kind of hazards as depicted in her original story, complete with the meals that drastically change your size, and themed encounters with monsters like Queenyx or Ripterra.

Once you get to fighting her, she uses that same gimmick in the fight, changing "stance" each turn. Eat Me applies the Inflated status to herself, lowering her evasion but boosting her offense and defense, while Drink Me applies Deflated to her, doing the opposite. She's got a pretty versatile moveset including Call For Help (which summons the kind of monsters you found in her station), Waterworks, Mountain Smash, Sticky Tongue, Toy Hammer, and Guzzle Fuel as a way to deplete your AP. This culminates with her Angelic Attack, High and Mighty, which she uses just after Eat Me to literally crush your team with her body for massive damage. For best results in this fight, you'll want to be flexible with your moves, having both inaccurate powerhouse moves like the starters' signature attacks, and moves that can't miss like Galactic Beatdown or anything backed by Sure-Fire.

 

[Kalir]

ROBIN GOODFELLOW
MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

Hell yes! Look at this creepy dude! Robin Goodfellow, also known more commonly as Puck, is a trickster fairy from William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. The depiction here primarily borrows from the appearance of the play's Nick Bottom, cursed by Puck to have the head of a donkey, but the depiction also pulls from the watercolor style of a medieval bestiary, like the good ol' Bayeux Tapestry. A more on-point vibe for the character you will never find, and I'm not even done with the praises yet. See, the bestiary does not mince words. Like Shining Kuneko, and unlike Alice, Robin Goodfellow is specifically highlighted as an Archangel with a singular, specific point of origin, the above-mentioned play. And that book he's holding? That's a collection of Shakespeare's works. Just like Kuneko, Robin Goodfellow, ordinarily a rather lighthearted scamp of a character, figured out that he was a construct from someone else's works. Unlike Kuneko, he lacked the opportunity to reconcile with their creator. Instead, he became embittered at his fate, already fully penciled. And misery loves company, so he set about finding someone much like himself to ruin the life of with this information, in such a way that only the incarnation of theatrics could do.

Incidentally, do you recall Viola, the partner with Spirouette that I wasn't willing to go over fully at the time, and who had a very Shakespearean dialct? YEAH THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT! Viola is the protagonist of another of Shakespeare's works, specifically Twelfth Night. In that play, Viola of Messaline ends up shipwrecked, and takes on the guise of a man in order to discover what has become of her brother Sebastian, who she got separated with after the shipwreck. Here, Viola's arrival on New Wirral, much like the incident that starts Twelfth Night, has her assume her brother must have washed up on the shores as well, which is why she refuses to join the player initially. However, Robin Goodfellow, taking the guise of Sebastian as a phantom, lures Viola to the shipwreck of the Titania to tell her the truth, with the book he holds as hard evidence. Unlike Robin Goodfellow, though, Viola refuses to hold that her fate is so written. After all, whose to say the player isn't but a myth in her own time's stories? Only fitting given who she is, honestly.

Robin Goodfellow puts her words to the test as he then engages you in a fight. Much like his appearance in A Midsummer Night's Dream, his preferred tactic is inflicting Sleep with Fairy Dust or his Angelic Attack, Fairy Horde, and then following up with the Night Mare attack that only works on Sleeping characters. Without a bag full of Sleep Cures or a team of monsters built to handle the effect, you'll quickly find yourself unable to act no matter how powerful you are. Fortunately, if you can shrug off the effect, Robin Goodfellow only uses Smack and Trick as his other attacks. It's a cool conceptual fight and one of the most impressive Archangel stories yet, if perhaps overly binary as a challenge.

 

[Kalir]

MAMMON
HEAD LANDKEEPER

The hits just do not stop! The depiction of Mammon seen here, composed of an artsy cutout collage of a human(?) face, honestly to me looks like the kind of cover art one might find on a dreary finance magazine whose central piece is about an "exciting" new strategy emerging in today's stock market. And, of course, that's exactly the kind of being Mammon is, and that name was absolutely not pulled out of a hat. "Mammon" has had its roots in language as far back as Aramaic and then some, representing wealth and money, and Biblical scholars likened the concept into an actual demon, a personification of greed and avarice that corrupts the hearts of humanity. There are countless depictions in popular culture of a being by the name of Mammon as some kind of wealth-affiliated demon or character, ranging from The Alchemist to Kill Six Billion Demons. Hell, even Mr. Burns lives at the intersection of Croesus and Mammon Streets. This version of Mammon, described as the incarnation of capitalism, represents the "discipline" of seeking increasing levels of profit at the Malthusian cost of everything else, including human suffering.

In fact, Mammon is the most active Archangel in the affairs of New Wirral, albeit through its agents, the Landkeepers. These guys effectively serve as the Team Rocket analogue of the game, lurking around as parasitic real estate dealers, and they're the main target of Eugene's personal sidequest. The way he describes them at first makes them sound like vampires (right down to not inviting them into your house) and he's not exactly keen on dismissing that assumption, but the fact remains that throughout New Wirral, these shells of Mammon are lurking around, trying to install their predatory system wherever they can. You and Eugene track down and break into their offices all over New Wirral until one of them invites you to the Landkeeper HQ, which isn't a train station like every other Archangel lair, but a submerged stone tower of Mammon's own design. Here you actually have the chance to speak with Mammon, who continues to set themselves apart by speaking much more cordially than every other Archangel yet seen, including not talking in all caps. In fact, Mammon claims that its desires and those of humanity, including Eugene, are one and the same. It even likens Eugene's single-minded devotion to his cause of justice as similar to that of his Landkeepers' single-minded devotion to infinite financial growth. Only fitting, after all, since capitalism works best by making you feel like you need it, like it's the natural order of things.

As an opponent (because that speech isn't enough to stop you or Eugene from fighting them), Mammon carries their theme harder than any other foe, with the most unique moves in the game. The only universal attack they have is Copper Chop, which is just part of their toolkit in setting up to bulldoze you through sheer wealth. Market Freeze applies an Ice Coating to you, letting Copper Chop break down your defenses, and Leverage boosts Mammon's offenses at a cost to their defenses. Similarly, Loss Leader is a powerful attack that costs them a bit of health to use, and if things get too dicey for Mammon, they can always self-heal with Too Big To Fail. They're not alone in the fight either, with Margin Call summoning a Jormungold to its side. And finally, there's its Angelic Attack, Market Crash, depicted by what else but a stock market graph arrow plummeting onto you for bighuge damage.

The devs have had an Archangel Mammon of sorts appear in Lenna's Inception too. In that one, the Chairman operates a bank that provides such profitable business that they are able to deprive the ruling kingdom of its guards and treasury in one fell swoop, and wields such weapons as Bull Market (firing a stampede of golden bulls at their foe) and Consolidation (the usual Ganondorf tennis match but consisting of a giant wad of coins that break off and can be collected after each hit). Those might not be the actual names of those attacks but I'm gonna call them that because it fits, y'know? The point is, there is so much cool stuff here that adds up to one of the best love-to-hate Archangels in the game.

 

[That Old Chestnut]

Yeah, out of all the Archangels, Mammon is my absolute favorite.